I made it look so easy, didn’t I, Senator?

Killing your jurisdiction, that is?

I would make an excellent serial killer. I’ve already got the too-attentive look in my eye that people take exception to when I pay attention as they speak. So I might as well wear my creepiness with pride.

And yes, Madam Prosecutor has my sporting permission to glance left and right and ladle out that hot pepper and add it to her collection. She has my consent even to snip out what she doesn’t like and to add to it her own sentiments to make her case. I recommend that she keep the word “I,” excise the word “would,” then keep the first two letters of the word “make” while discarding the final two letters, yielding “ma,” then reverse them, yielding the word “am.” Then I suggest that she excise the word “excellent.” (No sense muddying the waters with qualifiers.) That yields “I am an serial killer.” But something’s still not right. Ah: Have her drop the “n” in “an.” The jury won’t notice anyway. That’s more like it: “Your Honor, it’s right here in his own writings, and I quote: ‘I am a serial killer.’ I rest my case.”

I think my favorite serial killer is that dude from “No Country for Old Men.” He and his weirdo haircut roam the various lonely state highways out west in search of people he can kill. One of his victims reminds me of your idiot jurisdiction. Our antagonist happens upon a man in a car parked on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Our serial killer’s executional implement of choice is some sort of handheld, pneumatic, piston-pushing device used by farmers to kill cows, I suppose. It’s got a portable air tank and a hose and a thing that you hold with a button on it. When our antagonist pushes the button, a sharp metal rod darts out and back in so fast that the victim hardly has time to realize that he’s dead now.

And what’s odd in the film is that the victim dutifully follows the instructions of the serial killer. “Step out of the car, please.” And the victim complies. “Come closer.” So the victim does. And the killer simply raises the handheld device and lightly presses it to the victim’s forehead. “Hold still, please.” Compliance. Puh-toomp! And the newly decommissioned corpse unceremoniously falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

Begin investigating me, please.” And the victim complies.

“I will speak stridently now. Start coming into my house without warrant like it’s some sort of a bus station.” Compliance.

“Install surveillance equipment in my living room. It’s easier for me to speak to you that way.” And the victim does as instructed.

“Now go ahead and completely ruin my life and scare off my friends and otherwise act like the piece of trash that you are, all while being the most hideous, revolting, disgusting piece of murderous, raping, torturing, lying, lawless piece of jurisdictional waste this world has ever known. And make sure that you totally ruin my professional prospects in my field of expertise so that I have to dumpster-dive for scrap lumber I can burn as firewood.” Predictable compliance follows. It’s second nature, after all.

“Now hold still.” Are you going to kill me? “Yes I am. Hold still, please.”


[Cue raucous applause and hooting and hollering from the studio audience as United States unceremoniously collapses to the ground like a sack of diseased potatoes! Someone finally killed that shit heap! And don’t forget: Bernie’s hosting a State of the Union address tonight! Yay! Maybe he’ll even wear sunglasses! Do you think he’ll mention that America’s Senior Comedian performed his civic duty this year by driving a piston into that dead jurisdiction’s forehead? Will he mention that it seems everyone was mistaken and that precious few people earn income deriving from within the territorial jurisdiction of the United States and that filing a tax return creates vital legal nexi? Will he let slip that only jurisdictions have laws? I guess we’ll have to wait and see! So tune in and watch United States loll its dead tongue around and make like it’s alive and kickin’ and a sprightly young thing, just a-talkin’ and a-chatterin’ away like anyone even cares! Watch it flap its gums and move that cum-glazed diction-hole it calls a mouth! It oughta be a real laugh riot! Don’t miss the show!]


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