Monthly Archives: March 2015

Spokesman found dead weeks after Missouri auditor Tom Schweich’s suicide – The Washington Post

The tragedy in the office of late Missouri state auditor Tom Schweich has deepened.

A month after Schweich died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound amid an alleged political smear campaign focused on his faith, a top aide appears to have committed suicide by the same means, police said.

Robert “Spence” Jackson, who served as Schweich’s media director, was found dead in his bedroom Sunday, Jefferson City police said in a statement. Police have not released any details about the timing of Jackson’s death, but they did say that there were no signs of a struggle or forced entry into the home.

Huh. He magically wound up dead.

You’ll see more of these soon.

We’ll cover the mop-up operation and the Jade Helm exercise and the now-certain civil war over the next few days.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.


Hillary Clinton deleted all email from personal server –

(CNN)Hillary Clinton permanently deleted all the emails on the private server she used to do official business as secretary of state, the Republican lawmaker who subpoenaed the emails said late Friday.

Rep. Trey Gowdy of South Carolina, chairman of the House committee investigating the attacks on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, said Clinton’s lawyer informed him of the news.

“Secretary Clinton unilaterally decided to wipe her server clean and permanently delete all emails from her personal server,” Gowdy said in a statement.

The woman hasn’t even announced her candidacy and that familiar Clinton odor is already wafting into the room. It’s like someone who just always vaguely smells of ass. You can’t quite pin down the when and where of the offense, but you know there’s been one.

That she deleted the emails in no way surprises me. What surprises me is that she actually seems to think that it will not look bad.

I don’t know what to think about her. She is an enigma. She honestly seems to think that her plastered-on smile makes her transgressions okay.

I have a couple of fag friends who are just completely in love with Hillary Clinton. In 2006 they had the lawn signs and they went door to door handing out pamphlets. They were her number one fans, for some reason. I said, “Do you honestly not see that she is a witch? When you look in her eyes, do you not see the demons wrapped around her brain stem?”

It’s like I’m accidentally living among cult members, like I rented a room off Craigslist, a room at Marshall Applewhite’s house. I’m minding my own business and going to the refrigerator and doing my laundry and I sometimes have to walk through the living room in my boxers and flip flops to attend to my business and there they are, all the Heaven’s Gate cult members, lacing up their blue Nike sneakers and talking about how they’re going to be taken aboard a spaceship that’s docked behind a comet.

Is it possible for an entire nation to become seized by a shared delusion? I am reminded of that excellent book, “Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds.”

Just some innocent musings as I carry my laundry through the living room of your nation.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

I know what you’re thinking, Mister Obama.

You’re thinking, “What will life be like for me in the deep underground military bases?” That’s where you and all the rest of the COG luminaries will squirrel yourselves away when you spark the nuclear war with Russia that you think you’ll win.

See, the political environment underground is quite different from that aboveground. You won’t have your customary base of welfare recipients and college eggheads to play to. It’ll be a whole new world, completely run by military men.

So once you’re ensconced underground, safely removed from the hubbub above and the nettlesome constraints of lawful government, why would these military men need you?

I know how those guys are. The first time you make like you’re running things, the first time you call a meeting, and put your feet up on the desk and call people ‘people;’ the first time you open your lying, arugula-eating mouth, a pre-assigned military man will pull out his sidearm and blow your brains out mid-sentence.

That is what life will be like for you deep underground. It’s not the quality of life you need to be concerned about, it’s the quantity.

So if you are wise, you will end the provocations with Russia. Because once you are underground, your role will be concluded and you will exit stage left.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Senator Harry Reid Announces Retirement

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) will not seek re-election, he said in an interview with The New York Times published Friday. Reid has led the Senate Democrats since 2005.

“Well, uh, it’s quite simple. After I got the shit beat out of me by my organized crime cronies for not delivering Bundy’s property by force when a simple lien was an appropriate course of action for a claimant so blindingly out of its jurisdiction, and what with getting my pants pulled down and spanked right in the middle of this store when red-blooded Americans in their cowboy hats and on their horses, with their American flags and their AR-15s, drove that band of federal fuckin’ animals right off the property, I figured ‘well, maybe I won’t be able after all to impute value to Reid Bunkerville LLC and my idiotically named son Rory’s Chinese solar plant that couldn’t get up and running unless Bundy’s land was cleared of lifestock pursuant to environmental set-aside rules,’ I figured that maybe my brand of geriatric corruption doesn’t play so well anymore.

“So contrary to my beating my fist into my palm and declaring that ‘this isn’t over!,’ I guess it’s over.”

You got that right, old man. It’s a new day. We have no use for the combination of old, smelly, crooked, and corrupt that you so perfectly personify.

Get lost.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Maybe Osama bin Laden did it.

While these functions are disabled, the video shows, the only way to make contact with the crew is via an intercom. The doors can then only be opened if someone inside overrides the lock command by moving and holding the toggle switch to the “unlock” position.

If someone outside the cockpit suspects the pilot is incapacitated, that person would normally first try to establish contact via the intercom or by activating a buzzer. If those efforts were unsuccessful, the video shows, a crew member outside the cockpit would need to enter an emergency code on the keypad.

The code activates a loud buzzer and flashing light on the cockpit control panel, and it sets off a timer that unlocks the door 30 seconds later. The person outside has five seconds to enter before the door locks again.

At the crash site, a senior official working on the investigation said, workers found the casing of the plane’s other so-called black box, the flight data recorder, but the memory card containing data on the plane’s altitude, speed, location and condition was not inside, apparently having been thrown loose or destroyed by the impact.

It often takes months or even years to determine the causes of plane crashes, but a little more than a year after the disappearance of a Malaysian airlines jetliner that has never been found, the loss of the Germanwings flight is shaping up to be particularly perplexing to investigators.

Huh. So we have two instances of high implausibility: one, that a pilot also turns out to have inclinations to mass murder and, two, that the memory card from the flight data recorder magically got “thrown loose” from a flight data recorder that is specifically designed to withstand 3200 g’s and not throw its components loose.

As a member of the Junior Crime Scene Investigators Brigade, I have assembled an entire toolbox of methods. One of those is this little ditty, which some in my audience are already familiar with:

One, two, three; that’s enough for me.
One, two, buckle my shoe. It ain’t three, but it’s close enough for me.

When I calculate the likelihood of a proposed sequence of events, I multiply together the likelihoods of all the individual factors upon which the proposed sequence of events depends. This proposed scenario, for example, depends upon two failures: that the pilot failed such that he decided to commit mass murder, and that the Flight Data Recorder failed in a manner in which it was specifically designed not to fail.

Let us suppose that, in the history of commercial aviation, there have been, say, ten thousand commercial pilots. (Who knows what the real number is.) And out of those ten thousand, let us say that we can prove that a total of two pilots went cuckoo and deliberately drove their aircraft into the ground. That yields a likelihood of two divided by ten thousand, or 0.0002.

And in the history of Flight Data Recorders specifically designed to withstand the most catastrophic impacts, let us estimate the likelihood of the recording media being “thrown loose” to be vanishingly small. Let’s say 0.00001.

So to calculate the likelihood that both events occurred at the same time to contribute to the same event, we multiply them. So for our thought experiment, that yields 0.0002 times 0.00001, or two to the negative ninth power, which, if I remember my high school physics, is something like 0.000000002.

Does it really seem all that plausible?

And from reading the article above, we learn that it takes weeks or months to determine the cause of a crash. What is the likelihood, then, that even a crack prosecutor could possess all the facts necessary to conclude the cause of the crash within a scant day and a half? Pretty slim? Let’s say the likelihood is 0.01. That’s one in a hundred.

So let’s add that instance of implausibility to the mix: 0.000000002 times 0.01 yields a likelihood of two to the negative eleventh power, or 0.00000000002.

And what about the cockpit door? It’s designed to open within thirty seconds of an emergency code being entered at the keypad, even if the door had been locked from the inside. Let’s say that the door fails at a rate of one in ten thousand entry attempts, or 0.0001.

Let’s add that fourth implausibility to the mix: two to the negative eleventh power times 0.0001 equals two to the negative fourteenth power, or 0.00000000000002.

That’s pretty slim.

At this point, there is a greater chance of space aliens’ having resurrected Osama bin Laden’s corpse and teleported him onto the plane to carry out his malignant malefactory.

And you now see why I officially believe that Osama bin Laden did it.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

BBC Foreknowledge of 9/11 Collapse of WTC Building Seven: British Man Won Law Suit against BBC for 9/11 Cover Up | Global Research – Centre for Research on Globalization

Horsham, UK, 2013 – Tony Rooke, in an act of civil disobedience, refused to pay the mandatory £130 TV license fee claiming it violates Section 15 of the Terrorism Act. Rooke’s accusation was aimed at the BBC who reported the collapse of WTC 7 over 20 minutes before it actually fell, and the judge accepted Rooke’s argument. While it was not a public inquiry into 9/11, the recognition of the BBC’s actions on September 11th are considered a small victory, one that was never reported in the US.

“Today was an historic day for the 9/11 truth movement,” Peter Drew of AE911Truth UK told Digital Journal, “with over 100 members of the public attending, including numerous journalists from around the UK as well as from across other parts of Europe.”

I’m no lawyer, but I’ll distill the article for you:

Britain assesses a television owner a £130 yearly fee as a means of funding the public channels, including BBC. The defendant argued that he could not legally pay the licensing fee because he had proof that BBC had foreknowledge of the 9-11 event because their reporter breathlessly informed the viewing audience that Building Seven –the Solomon Building– had just collapsed. The problem here is that the building is plainly standing tall, right behind her.

Read the article to see the video. CNN got caught jumping the gun, too. You can find that video on Youtube.

The judge, apparently, found that to be evidence of BBC foreknowledge of the crime and therefore he found merit in the defendant’s defense that BBC was a terrorist organization, and that the defendant would be committing a crime by paying his license fee, a portion of which would fund the terrorist organization called BBC.

Ha ha. Total vindication is so very sweet.

See, Flight 93 didn’t get driven into the ground by superpatriots who said “Let’s get it on!” (Or maybe it was “Let’s rock and roll!” Either way, I would have preferred the lyrics from Kiss’ “Love Gun.”)

Flight 93 was another drone, as evidenced by the absence of bodies and luggage at the wreckage site at Shanksville. Flight 93 was shot down by an interceptor pilot who ignored Dick Cheney’s stand-down orders, orders reported by Leon Panetta in testimony before Congress.

Flight 93 was slated to impact Building 7, another white elephant at that asbestos-ridden, heavily insured, money-losing pig of an office complex called the World Trade Center. Larry Silverstein made a cool 3.5 bill off that urban renewal project.

When intelligence agencies plan their crimes, nothing is left to chance. Scripts and timelines had already been disseminated to their terrorism partners, including CNN and BBC, among others. But something went wrong, unbeknownst to those news outlets: the vehicle which was to have impacted Building 7 had been shot down, an eventuality that was not supposed to have occurred if all pilots had followed Dick Cheneys orders. (It’s always the smallest details that undo the greatest lies –no bodies at the crash site and incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street.)

But BBC and CNN had not received the flash update not to report Building 7’s collapse at the appointed time. And thus do we have two reporters on two separate networks simultaneously lamenting to their viewers that the Solomon Building had collapsed –while it’s plainly standing in the shot.

So Larry Silverstein hurriedly gets on the phone to his insurance carrier once he realizes that Flight 93 ain’t comin’. He asks if they’ll still pay out if he “pulls” the building due to safety concerns, even though there was no damage to the building except for a few fires resulting from the torching of the NYPD command center.

Building 7 magically falls down, even though it takes weeks to rig a building for controlled demolition.

Ta da! That’s how the crime went down.

I love being completely vindicated. It is sweet, sweet justice, baby.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Now remember: The State of Vermont is to see to it that my car is never again pulled over without proper cause.

“Proper cause,” I will remind you, does not include not possessing a valid drivers license which the traveler does not require anyway.

Any further harassment on the part of the state –in the form of pulling me over and thereby making a scene, issuing me a ticket, or, heaven forbid, arresting me or towing my car– will result in a total, wide-spectrum campaign of harassment against the State of Vermont.

Some day, I don’t know when, I will no longer be a pariah for pointing out the obvious and sacrificing an entire decade of my life to serve this nation. The State of Vermont will clamor to take a selfie with me. It’s good for business, you see. But when that day comes, if you had pulled that car over one more time after I had warned you not to, I will see to it that the State of Vermont hangs its head in shame.

I will immediately change theoretical domicile to New Hampshire, I will disavow any association with Vermont, I will assiduously endeavor to establish residence in that state where the curtains match the carpets, and I will make your tourism and Chamber of Commerce advertising campaigns completely useless. “#VermontDairyIsYummy Oh, it’s yummy in the tummy, alright. I was raised in this state. I have personal knowledge of the farmers jacking off into the milk. Only stupid people consume Vermont dairy.”

You are never to harass me further.

This can work out very well for Vermont or very badly. I’m okay either way. So pick one.

This is your final, fair warning.

I am free, I am brave, I am Vermont Strong and, most importantly, I am in the right.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.


When the fuck are you planning on ending the suspense? What, are you having a baby and you’re coyly delaying announcing the sex for maximum show-business effect? Let’s get a fuckin’ move on.

I’ve got dangerous material to do. I’d like to return to my regularly scheduled non-program as soon as possible. I can’t tone it down over here for much longer.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.