Your Honah?

You know that heayah in my southin’ courtroom I lahk ta reduce mah arguments to theayah absolute briefest –in deference to your valuable time, of course. I would like to submit for your esteemed consideration mah latest defense regarding tha matta of tha income tax.

And here ah am, mah thumbs hooked inta mah suspendas, moseyin’ aroun’ the courtroom unda tha lazily spinnin’ ceilin’ fans in mah seersucka suit:

“Ladies an’ gennelmin of the jury, we are heayah today about the matta of tha Justice Department and theayah claim that mah client has not paid his fair share in tha upkeep of this fine nation. But before I begin, I should like to beg the court’s forbearance as I seek clarification on the particular language contained in tha powah of attorney which authorizes tha Justice Department to puhsue this action on behalf of the Internal Revenue Service. Just let me fish mah readin’ glasses outta mah breast pocket heayah an’ find that piece of paypuh. …It’s heayah somewhere; I know I had it… …I’ll jess theatrically slap mah various pockets in search of it… …Ladies an’ gennelmin, I sure am sorry for misplacin’ that powah of attorney. I must have left it at home. And to tha pretty young ladies of the jury I must confess that I think I’d fuhget mah head some days if it wasn’t screwed on… No matta; I’m sure tha Justice Department can provide tha court with a copy. May I see it?”

And then, right on schedule, Madam Prosecutor’s mind implodes all over again, shrinking past the event horizon and into a singularity! “Bye bye! This is bye bye now!” And she pulls her shoes and stockings off and hikes her dress over her head and sticks her arms out like airplane wings! “Reeeerrrruhhhh! I’m Casper the Friendly Airplane!” And she sails right on out of the courtroom in her bare feet, on down the hall and out the door and into the nearest psych ward where she can have all the non-bizarre delusions of jurisdiction that she wants.

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I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

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