WASHINGTON — Loretta E. Lynch, who was confirmed Thursday as attorney general, will meet with local police officers nationwide this summer as she tries to strike a new tone for the Justice Department amid a roiling controversy over the use of lethal force, aides said.
Ms. Lynch, who will be the first black woman to hold the post, will replace Eric H. Holder Jr., an ally of President Obama who has been the administration’s most outspoken voice on issues of race relations and civil rights. His tenure made him a hero among many on the left but recently earned him scorn from some police groups who said he was too quick to criticize officers amid a spate of high-profile episodes of black men dying at the hands of white officers.
This woman is not my Attorney General. Ignore her. Frustrate her every action. Pretend she does not exist.
This is for the state and local cops in my audience. Lemme tell you how Federal Idiot Nondiction United Assclown operates: Let’s say that instead of being cops, you are car stereo installers at some electronics superstore. Best Buy and Jim’s Auto Sound. You’re all friends. You’ve known each other since grade school. You all have a passion for car stereos. Some of you went on to work for Best Buy, and some went on to work for Jim’s Auto Sound. You are all members of the same guild.
But you work for competing superstores. By definition, you have an adversarial relationship with each other. After work hours, you are welcome to socialize together at the same car stereo installer bar. The same cop bar. Do what you want. But during work hours, you need to understand that the two superstores are trying to expand their markets. You are forever in a turf war with your competitors.
The federal jurisdiction and the state jurisdictions are, by definition, in competition with one another. It is the nature of a federalist system.
You are not friends during work hours. You are to maintain an adversarial relationship with the feds. You are to jealously guard your turf. Because if you take your eye off the ball, the feds will claim it.
Here’s how the Justice Department operates: What historically has been regarded as a junior partner, the federal jurisdiction now claims to be supreme. They know it all. They’ve got fancy walkie talkies and Stingray cell site simulators. They’ve got fat wallets and even fatter bellies. When they see a civil rights violation at the state or local level, they’ll pull up to the scene and extract their bellies from their proverbial patrol cars and waddle onto the scene to flash a badge and bark orders.
But of the various jurisdictions, the feds are the bottom of the barrel. No one disputes that anymore. I’m still waiting for these geniuses to catch the bad men who put incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street. Maybe they were hoping no one would notice. And if someone did notice, all the feds have to do is to type up a piece of paper which designates the person in question to be a terriss or an extremiss and fuck up his comedy career and his personal life because they’re so completely, blindingly, completely fucking useless. See? Problem solved. Then they can go back to being completely useless and they can fabricate more hair analysis results or pin the anthrax mailings on a guy who lacked all three of the means, motive, and opportunity.
You do understand, of course, that the feds have no idea what they’re doing, right? You’re not going to want to take your cue from them.
So what Lynch will do is she’ll ride to the rescue and demand changes at the state and local level when she sees a civil rights violation. You can correct those violations yourselves. You don’t need that stinking piece of trash of a federal jurisdiction weighing in on the matter.
Why would you take advice from a jurisdiction that wouldn’t know its ass from a hole in the ground?
Ignore her and her attempt to grab your turf. It’s an idiot jurisdiction. It’s the now-defunct Circuit City of electronics superstores.
I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.