Monthly Archives: May 2015

Humans navigate like bats by using vision part of their brain to hear sound | Daily Mail Online

Blind people can sometimes sense surroundings with clicking sounds

They listen to the returning echoes to make sense of their environment

Brain scans show how region called parahippocampal cortex lights up

This is the same region activated in sighted people when seeing objects

When Matt Murdock in the film Daredevil was blinded, his other senses were sharpened allowing him to ‘see’ via sonic vibrations.

Now, a new study has discovered how this happens in real life when some blind people find a way to ‘see’ objects using echoes.

See? (No; for real; do you see?) See, Mister Saunders? Everyone’s been scratching their heads over precisely how I see the things that I do without a single person’s ever having acknowledged a word I’ve ever spoken. It’s a helluva way to speak to your audience when not a single person will acknowledge your existence. And it vexes me to no end that I have to send bomb threats and death threats to get my own audience to stop ignoring me. I’ve lost an entire decade of my career as we all play the touch pee pee game. Now I’m a decade older and I’ve got a face for radio.

Saunders and his buddies think they’re investigating me. But look at it from this professional stage performer’s point of view: I’m up on my stage speaking to my audience, leaning over the edge of the stage to snap my fingers under my audience members’ noses and clap my hands in their faces, tryin’ to wake ’em up. They gotta be quiet so they can catch me doing terror, I guess. But what these esteemed fans don’t understand is that they were my audience members before I was their terrorist.

But anyway, for ten years now I have had to rely upon echolocation to map out my own audience. And whereas I do a distinctly dangerous brand of political stand-up, it is an urgent matter of physical safety that I ensure that there are adequate numbers of cops in my theater. As I’ve said, being in the middle of a room full of cops is the absolute safest place for me to be. Not to mention that we’ve got training to cover. Cops are a segment of my target audience.

In my brand of stand-up, which is delivered principally in a textual form on the internet, transmitted completely in the blind, the one and only means that I have of verifying receipt of my message is for me to speak and then remain silent for a time. I produce a click and then I listen. I found, back in 2005, that if I were to use an appealing and archaic term, or an especially mellifluous turn of a phrase, that sometimes these rare turns of phrase would then emerge out there in the infosphere. There can be false positives –false returns, that is, that may have been organically generated. Or they may be second-order echoes. But I found that if I performed a verification ping, I could conclude with a fair degree of certainty that certain people were in my audience. It has taken me an entire decade to determine the size and composition of my audience. And since I intended to leverage my informational primacy to the betterment of all, it was necessary to precisely determine the composition of my audience.

Necessity is the mother of invention, as they say. And because I’m a terrorist moonlighting as a professional comedian who no one will speak to, it was necessary to develop these skills of echolocation. It truly is like driving a submarine. I’m blind. But I gotta get from here to there. And I have to evade torpedos.

I am now quite good at echolocation. And I have long maintained that I have developed the ability to process in the visual cortex of my brain these echoes in the infosphere. All I have to do is read the papers in the morning to judge the propagation of my transmission and to see my position relative to informational structures in my environment. I see by interpreting informational echoes. These echoes are processed in my visual cortex to form a mental map.

I truly can see you. And now that I’ve caught you and shamed you, go buy your tickets. You’re not investigating anything. Or if you are, you’re investigating the precise degree to which you enjoy my show.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

U.S. military and civilians are increasingly divided – LA Times

The U.S. military today is gradually becoming a separate warrior class, many analysts say, that is becoming increasingly distinct from the public it is charged with protecting.


Veterans are some pretty decent people. They shoulder their civic responsibilities. They’re forever on the lookout for distant threats. They’re trained to see past the nose on their own face. They’re expert at feint, subterfuge, and misdirection. They can see a military operation in progress.

So that the Department of Homeland Security has declared veterans to be terrorists tells me that the college eggheads at DHS aren’t cut from the same cloth. Maybe they’re commies. Maybe they learned in college that America needed changing. Maybe they actually believed their mediocre-minded professors when they got a pat on the head and a gold star on their term papers and a reassurance that they were smart now.

I suppose I must concede that it’s only appropriate that the Department of Homeland Security has declared veterans to be terrorists. It will be veterans, after all, with their firearms and their war skills, who will terminate the Department of Homeland Security and place certain principals on trial for their capital crimes if those idiots throw down. Veterans are contractually obligated to make those arrests. It’s called an oath.

And then all the little commie eggheads at DHS can go to work at a book store and have poetry readings with each other and commiserate about how their day in the sun lasted five seconds before veterans made good on their constabular promises and terminated that idiot organization, one born of kook law dreamed up by politicians with a taste for hookers and cocaine. “This is why everyone should follow United States law, boys and girls: It is deliberated with the utmost of wisdom. Our lawmakers have spoken, now that the NSA knows they do blow and screw the babysitter. It’s the United States Code of Hookers and Cocaine.”

Maybe the MRAPs are a good idea after all. So go ahead and drive ’em down the street. Every time a veteran sees a DHS MRAP rumbling down the street, he says “There’s my new MRAP.” It’ll be a status symbol. After United Fucknut kicks off the civil war, having an MRAP will be the must-have accessory. I’ll drive my MRAP to the grocery store. And to go get beer. “The college eggheads in Washington threw down, everyone! And now all us veterans got ourselves MRAPs!”

Look at this goof:


Some police chief or somebody. He got hisself an MRAP. Poor guy probably doesn’t even know about that incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street and how his nation was executed while he stood around with his thumb up his ass. “Daddy, what did you do when the nation was conquered? I mean, back before Taser collars were mandatory?” “Oh that’s easy, Jimmy. I sat on my fat ass and read idiot training promulgated by the geniuses at the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security who told me that veterans were terrorists. And that’s why I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground.” If I were to perform a Vulcan mind meld and transfer to him even one percent of my knowledge, his mind would implode and his knees would buckle and he would fall to the ground, sobbing. Poor guy probably got trained by the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security. Poor sap probably doesn’t even know who his enemy is. He’s hopped up on T. T is the street name for training. He’s got that look in his eye. He sees terriss everywhere. He’s protecting his kin from the terriss, just like a warrior does. But the FBI and DHS had their way with him. He doesn’t know which end is up now. He thinks veterans are terrorists. Ain’t no better way to lose a war than to not even know who your enemy is. That’s right, dumbass; shoot at the wrong guys. And you got the scope mounted backwards, stupid. So for his own safety, this goof better keep that MRAP permanently garaged, because if he ever rolls it against veterans, they’ll take it from him. And then there’ll be no more photo ops, him smiling away like a goofball, completely ignorant of all things. His next photo will be of him sitting on a riding lawn mower with a big ol’ grin on his face. That’s more his speed. He’s catchin’ terriss. He can post it to his Loserbook page.

And to all the little commies in Washington who’ve never actually inhabited reality, I will tell you that you are not going to want to throw down against veterans. Because if you do, that warrior class will suit up and dispassionately terminate the threat as they are morally and legally obligated to do.

Veterans are the final constabulary. Those who would declare constables to be terrorists do so because they don’t want to be arrested. It’s that simple.

I love it how criminals always smoke themselves out. Stick to your nose rings and your term papers. You’re not going to want to play soldier. It will end badly for you.

And to all the cops in my audience, I suggest that you throw all federal training in the trash, right where it belongs. Was it Duh Johnson who told you about that 7-series compressor? Was it President Enuresis? Was it Eric Holder? No? It wasn’t? Well who was it? And who declared whom to be a terriss?

And one more thing. It is an absolute guarantee that the feds will want to bomb your station houses this year. Get ready. They will be trying to figure out how to pull it off and blame it on veterans, gun owners, libertarians, their exes, whoever.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Become a patron of the arts!

Please see to it, Senator, that your fucknut organization of a “jurisdiction” doesn’t somehow screw up my crowd-funding campaign to get my stuck-in-first-gear comedy career off the ground.

And everyone go there and become patrons, please.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Prison » FBI admits no major cases cracked with Patriot Act snooping powers

FBI agents can’t point to any major terrorism cases they’ve cracked thanks to the key snooping powers in the Patriot Act, the Justice Department’s inspector general said in a report Thursday that could complicate efforts to keep key parts of the law operating.

Inspector General Michael E. Horowitz said that between 2004 and 2009, the FBI tripled its use of bulk collection under Section 215 of the Patriot Act, which allows government agents to compel businesses to turn over records and documents, and increasingly scooped up records of Americans who had no ties to official terrorism investigations.

“Well I certainly appreciate your time, Director Comey. You know, fresh out of college like I am I never thought my first job interview would be with the Director of the FBI himself. If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to call. I’ll just be going now. I’m gonna get myself some lunch at that noodle place along the Ho Chi Minh Trail downtown by the–”

“–Oh no, stick around! Lunch is on me! We’ll go to the canteen here at FBI headquarters. Let me find out what’s on the menu.” [Clunk! goes the charmingly anachronistic intercom button. The FBI must have spent their budget on Stingray cell site simulators.] “Amanda, what’s for lunch? Please tell me it’s taco day.”

“I’ll bring the menu, Mister Director.” After an appropriately efficient delay, Amanda enters, menu in hand. It’s a single sheet of paper with purple ink and that distinctive chemical odor of the hand-cranked mimeograph machine in the basement. Again, there are some gaps in the FBI’s lurchings into the twenty-first century: no money for laser printers; they spent their budget on new walkie talkies. “Here you go, Mister Director. I’ll be at my desk if you need anything.”

“Thank you, Amanda. And it’s fresh off the press!” Comey holds the still-damp sheet of paper to his nose and inhales deeply, partaking of the scent of the gods, his eyes rolling back into his head. He’s huffing the mimeographed menu. “Mmm… That’s what I like… Lessee… Tuesday the eighteenth… Ah! Oh! It’s corn day!”

“Corn day?”

“Mm hm! We gotta go! It goes fast! Let’s walk and talk! Come on, grab your jacket! We’re gonna take a shortcut to the canteen that only I know about, past Amanda’s desk here and– no no no; not the elevator; we’re gonna take the stairs– past the Kung Fu dojo here on the right where we teach new recruits how to do Karate and everything in their bare feet like you see in the movies. It’s what sets the FBI apart. …Okay take your first left. See that over there? That’s the crimes lab. Those people in those white coats I’m told put some sort of reagent on dog hairs and hold ’em up to the light before pronouncing them to be human hairs. That guy’s goin’ down the river, I’ll tell you that… Aaaand here we are! See?! We beat everybody! We’re first in line! The lunch lady just barely rolled up the metal window! Grab a tray!”

“Is that it? Corn? That’s the entree? Just corn?” And in response, the dour-looking lunch lady with her hair net dumps a big ol’ spoonful of corn and gravy onto our protagonist’s compartmentalized plastic tray. “Is this some sort of delicacy here at the FBI?”

“Oh you bet it is! When I hired on as Director I was initiated into the joys of asshole corn! And this is the rarest of the rare: each kernel lovingly harvested by highly trained FBI agents from Chris King’s asshole! We don’t even wash it! You’d lose all the vitamins! We here at the FBI pine day after day all month long for the approach on the menu of the box that states simply ‘CORN DAY.’ Mmmm! Think lobster tails meets a porterhouse steak with a half rack of ribs! The first taste and you’ll be in heaven, your eyes rolling skyward, gravy running down your chin! It’s one of the perks of working at the FBI! Today! is! Corn Day!!!

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Bin Laden’s library was basically the browser history of a conspiracy theorist – The Washington Post

But more specifically: Bin Laden’s library was the equivalent of an Internet conspiracy theorist’s browser history. There was a print out of a weird article about a card game that was said to have predicted the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. He had an e-book about voter fraud conspiracies from He had books documenting the fringes of American politics. He had a 1928 book called “The Secret Teaching of All Ages” that details various aspects of forgotten religions and the occult; he had a book unveiling “The Secrets of the Federal Reserve.” And, like a rebellious teenager, he checked out the official government material on MK ULTRA, the CIA’s mind control efforts during the Cold War.

The bookshelf contains a number of letters, too (letters once upon a time served a function similar to e-mail). There’s a paper job application, which includes — and I am not making this up — an emergency contact request: “Who should we contact in case you became a martyr?” Oh, my wife, here’s her cell.

Combing through the list is fascinating in the same way that it’s interesting to go to a garage sale. You can come to a lot of conclusions about a person by looking at what they own, conclusions that may be correct or not. In this case, our information about the owner of the books is backed up by knowing who he was in the rest of his life. The guy seems like an anti-American conspiracy nut — only fitting for a guy who conspired against America. But also he seems kind of sad, not in a way to inspire empathy, but in a way that would inspire pathos.

I studied physics in college. (Well, during one stint at one of the twelve or fifteen colleges at which I have been enrolled over the years in pursuit of that ever-elusive degree which I have now lost interest in. I quit Clarkson University in 1986 when I told my physics professor that I wanted to invent a teleportation device. He threw his head back and laughed right in my face and told me that I had been watching too much Star Trek. Of course, just as I predicted, we are now teleporting subatomic particles. More precisely, we are teleporting the information associated with subatomic particles, information teleported instantaneously across large distances by the principle of quantum entanglement. So anyway, I quit college, refusing to pay good money to be certified by mediocre minds. Did I lose out by not pursuing a career in physics? No; it wasn’t my loss.)

I like my current career better. I lower the mighty and I confound the wise. I’ve got the Supreme Court all wrapped up in knots, for example. In my career as comedian, gadfly, or social and political irritant or whatever it is that I do these days, I like being the guy who knows absolutely nothing about anything but who still somehow confounds the experts. And that’s more fun than physics.

I continue to employ some methods that I used in the physics lab all those years ago. I enjoyed lasers and I would painstakingly set up mirrors and beam splitters and shoot laser beams all around the lab. Because laser light is highly coherent, you can’t see it unless it bounces off something. So I would spritz some water vapor into the air so that I could see the beam.

Your nation has been confused by a criminal cartel who operate by lying to you. Fourteen years later, we still haven’t figured out who put that incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street. And why is that?  It is because the corporate news media (which are owned by the same bankers who own the British, American, Saudi, and Israeli intelligence agencies that cooked up three thousand people on 9-11) pollute everyone’s understanding of events. It’s kooky, you see. It’s kooky to investigate who put that incompatible engine hardware on the street corner because everyone knows that Osama bin Laden did it, just like George Bush and Dick Cheney said.

That criminal cartel is difficult to see without the aid of some water vapor. The Washington Post is in my audience. That they continue prattling on and on endlessly about Osama bin Laden (and how, presumably, he directed that the engines be switched out on Flight 175) tells me that they are impervious to logic or that they’re a conveyor belt of daily talking points promulgated by intelligence agencies.

So the author of the article excerpted above is either an active propaganda agent of that criminal cartel or he’s just dumb. I’ve read his articles before and I think it’s the latter. That is the lesser sin.

This man was instructed by his editors to link together, in a guilt-by-association fashion, Osama bin Laden and those who would inquire into the privately owned banking cartel called the Federal Reserve. 9-11 was commissioned by the principal shareholders of the Federal Reserve. That is why the Washington Post was hired to push the notion that only terriss and kooky people read books about the Federal Reserve.

You need to understand that this person either has no idea what he’s talking about or that his job is to lie to his audience. I’m not sure which is worse, and it doesn’t really matter because the Washington Post isn’t relevant to what I’m doing; newspapers with dwindling audiences are a dime a dozen. My show is not. Just ask the Supreme Court. Do they read the Washington Post? If they do, it’s only after they sit in on my show.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

President Barack Obama Bans Some Military-Style Equipment Provided To Police

WASHINGTON — In an unexpected move, President Barack Obama on Monday will ban the federal government from providing certain military equipment to police departments.

Effective immediately, the government will no longer provide local law enforcement with tracked armored vehicles, grenade launchers and bayonets. Other items like explosives and riot equipment will be transferred to police only if they provide additional certification and assurances that the gear will be used responsibly.

The changes stem from recommendations made to the president in a new report produced by a White House working group. Obama created the task force earlier this year via executive order.

No, it was quite expected. What’s happening here is that the plan to militarize the state and local constabularies, in the expectation of being able to call upon them in the defense of the property abandoned-in-place once owned by the dead federal jurisdiction, has gone disastrously wrong. The bankers who instructed the Pentagon to arm the state and local cops now know that those cops have been successfully decompartmentalized by various persons including me. (I’ll accept my award later. And now you understand my hijinks. Obviously I can’t train you until I have your attention.)

So now these bankers have instructed the Pentagon and Obama to undo what they unwisely did, which was to arm the very constabularies who are now wide awake to the treason in Washington. These bankers now understand that the state and local cops have largely turned away from the dead federal jurisdiction.

It is to these bankers’ horror that they unwisely armed the state and local cops who will be working with gun owners, libertarians, Christians, sovereign citizens, and generally anyone worth a damn to restore lawful government at Washington.

That is the purpose of Obama’s action. He is now frantically working to divest the state and local cops of the military hardware they will now use, in their educated, awake, decompartmentalized state, to repulse the federal military action upon the several states.

These bankers know that their Jade Helm op is completely blown. It’s back to the drawing board.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.