The Department of Justice plans to launch a pilot program aimed at expanding the use of body cameras worn by police officers across the country.
These cameras are meant to help local and tribal law enforcement agencies improve relationships with the public, a goal that follows a year of protests across the country aimed at the way police officers use lethal force, particularly toward black men and boys.
“This body-worn camera pilot program is a vital part of the Justice Department’s comprehensive efforts to equip law enforcement agencies throughout the country with the tools, support, and training they need to tackle the 21st century challenges we face,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch said in a statement.
It seems to me that we should content ourselves with the twentieth-century challenges that we already have, the challenges for which we bought everyone fancy walkie talkies and improved asshole-sniffing technology, challenges like –oh, I don’t know– figuring out who the fuck put that 7-series compressor on Murray Street.
So first things first, okay? Let’s tackle the challenges we’ve already got.
It’s like a regional manager for Jim’s Auto Sound stops by and says, “You guys here at Best Buy are doing it all wrong. Here: Just accept these free goodies I have and sign this agreement that gives me oversight of your operation. And in no time you, too, will have torture chambers and tortured legal rationales as to why it’s legal to crush a child’s testicles with pliers as a means of extracting information from his shoeless terriss father who could not have theoretically had anything to do with placing incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street, and then we’ll teach you to fabricate evidence and be so completely incompetent that our crack hair analysis squad sent a guy down the river because we couldn’t tell the difference between a dog hair and a human hair, and we’ll help you drool and scratch your heads and pin the anthrax mailings on a guy who lacked the means of imparting the electrostatic charge to the anthrax spores that he mixed up in a big ol’ cauldron or something in his cellar under a bare light bulb while muttering how he likes pretty sorority girls. And when this trash organization has completely ruined your law enforcement operation, our job of completely defiling the now-discredited and reviled law enforcement profession will be complete. Misery loves company, so we want all electronics superstores to blow as bad as mine does. It’s called leveling the playing field. The equal distribution of filth. So do you want my free body cameras and my oversight?”
I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.