When the collapse happens, you will be faced with countless decisions, and you may get a few wrong. The trick is the minimize these mistakes, while capitalizing on the mistakes of others.

You will have to decide if you are going to bug out, or relocate, to a different down or part of town. You will have to decide where to hide your supplies BEFORE the collapse happens. You will have to decide how to cook your food to hide the odors. Executing your plan at this point is critical. Being the one that acts means you are not the one reacting. This puts you in charge of your destiny.

Economic collapses in the past have always brought out the worst in people. Starvation is a powerful motivator and can physically change how a person thinks and responds to given situations.

The goal of any prepping is to be ready to act, not react, to situations and conditions as they change. This is why a plan is essential.

But I thought that preppers were kooky. When I was a Boy Scout, I seem to recall that I was urged at all times to “be prepared.” See? What was once a virtue is now a vice. You’re just paranoid. You’re fearful. No, it’s that I like to have a few extra cords of wood on hand if I expect a hard winter.

I remember fondly when the Justice Department was tripping all over themselves to interview anyone and everyone who might have knowledge of the paranoid, schizophrenic malady that the dead federal jurisdiction badly needed that I have. Madam Prosecutor urgently needed proof of my alleged “non-bizarre delusions” that were a necessary component of her case, her esteemed medical diagnosis having been delivered in court for all to see, a diagnosis presumably delivered in her capacity as physician. (Who knows? Maybe she’s a psychiatrist on the weekends. Maybe she’s a licensed mortgage broker too for all I know.) Of course, much to the chagrin of United States, it turns out that not only do I have a sparkling clean bill of mental health, but it is now also part of the legal record that I am a clinically certified genius, a professional distinction that I would ordinarily find it gauche to brag about except when invited to do so by my detractors as a means of setting the record straight. Oh, and then there’s the little matter of my cute and cuddly handicap, Aspergers Syndrome. Maybe I’m an autistic savant. So furthermore, why the United States government insists on persecuting a disabled man, I’ve no idea. From a show business perspective, it doesn’t look good. The poor guy just wants to tell a few jokes and have a comedy career and get invited to parties. Only a monster wouldn’t want the poor guy to have a comedy career and a date now and again. So in summation, that ding-a-ling jurisdiction’s eager pursuit of me just didn’t work out very well for them.

But anyway, the one report of my wild-eyed, paranoid behavior secured by the Justice Department was of my having bought a portable kerosene heater for my parents in 1999 in case the power went out in January of 2000. (It takes a paranoid schizophrenic to think that your elderly parents might get chilly in January along the coast of the Florida panhandle if there’s no electricity to run their heat pump of a central heating system.)

A computer programmer would have to be kooky and paranoid schizophrenic to suspect that computer programmers, some of whom produce notoriously shoddy code, might not adequately make provisions for a change of century. If Y2K was so kooky, then why was 1999 the salad days for any technician who got paid doubletime to work nights, weekends, and holidays to pull out and replace computer hardware that had been tested and was one hundred percent guaranteed to fail? One company for which I performed Y2K remediation had tested their systems and determined that, because of poor programming practices, two of their systems would fail on January 1, 2000, resulting in an immediate, overnight 20% loss of revenue.

Were they kooky? Did they just have mental health services when they decided to spend twenty million dollars in order to save a hundred million? Did they just perseverate?

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.