“Honor your oath, scumbag.”

“We want to watch you jack off in your house.”

“Get the fuck off my property, stupid.”


“We’re here to look at Chris King’s library book check-out history. We have a piece of paper signed by some flunkie at the FBI.”

“Get bent, trash.”


“We need to lick the corn out of your asshole. It’s for terror.”

“Go catch the bad men, idiot.”


See? It is so supremely easy to stand on your rights. And while I generally think that people in your day-to-day interactions should be treated with more respect than what this guy gives those cops, a simple rebuke is often the best response. Natural rights are property, no less than a plot of land is property. I can go on and on for hundreds of words why my natural rights should be respected. But when someone just breezily disrespects my rights, it is well within my appropriate range of responses simply to say, “Get the fuck off my property.”

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.