Senator?

You know I enjoy ridiculing your idiot jurisdiction as it dies, right?

So. We know that the Fag Bureau, upon whose law enforcement acumen the federal idiot nondiction relies for whatever inscrutable reason, has declared sovereign citizens to meet the definition of that legal term of art “terrorist.”

And we also now know that the term “sovereign citizen” is precisely synonymous with “state United States citizen,” “state citizen,” “nonresident alien,” and “citizen of one of the several states.” Like most legal terms, “sovereign citizen” is extremely boring. There’s no rattling of chains like in a haunted house. Not once did I ever read a law book and mistake it for an action-adventure novel or some rollicking sci-fi romp. As a matter of fact, your chosen field of expertise is so easy and boring that I don’t think I’ve ever actually finished a law book. Law books are sleeping pills in printed form.

Now I know why people go into computer programming: Law is just too stultifyingly boring.

But anyway, since the geniuses at the FBI (again, as a result of their crack police work) declared all citizens of the several states to be terrorists, I got curious and wanted to calculate how many terriss we’ve got runnin’ aroun’.

I got the 2014 United States census information from here: www.infoplease.com/us/states/population-by-rank.html

If we subtract the population of the District of Columbia from the total United States population (and if we regard as negligible the populations of all United States territories and possessions, for ease of calculation at nine in the morning) and if we calculate the percentage of the total United States population who are citizens of the several states, then we see that 99.79% of American citizens are state citizens. And since we know now that all state citizens are sovereign citizens, that means that the geniuses over at the FBI have declared 99.79% of Americans to be terrorists.

And I now understand fully why that idiot organization can’t figure out who put that incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street: It could be any one of nearly three hundred and eighteen million people. Let’s cut the FBI some slack.

“Mister Comey?”

“Yes, Senator King?”

“It’s been fourteen years now. Can you give us a status report on who you think put that incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street?”

“Well, we’ve proceeded apace in narrowing it down. Terrorists did it. That much we know. And whereas we’ve declared all state United States citizens to be terrorists, that means that we’ve winnowed the number of suspects down by 0.21% or whatever. I want you to know, Senator, that we’re this close to springing the trap. Then we’ll have them! But our suspects are a cagey lot. They all have a genetic makeup possessed by 99.79% of Americans. We’re pretty sure that our suspects have legs, arms, a head –with two eyes and ears and everything; that’s gonna complicate our search, but don’t worry; our geniuses at Quantico can figure it out like it’s a dog hair– and they all have either blue, brown, hazel, or green eyes. Were closing in, Senator; don’t you worry. …Say: It’s almost budget time; can we have new walkie talkies?”

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I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

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