I need something, Senator.

I need written confirmation from the IRS that I am not required to make or file a tax return, owing to my status as a state United States citizen residing outside the territorial jurisdiction of the United States and whose income does not derive from within the territorial jurisdiction of the United States.

And I need written confirmation from the Justice Department that no crime has been committed in my not having paid federal income tax or filed a tax return in twenty years.

That proof will be useful in sinking Obamacare, which, Roberts assures us, is an indirect tax just like the personal income tax.

(Psst: Here’s the dirty little secret of Obamacare: Like the rest of United States municipal law, it applies only to federal United States citizens wherever resident.)

Now I don’t want any tears or sulking. If we’re going to live in a federalist system, we’re going to have to take the good with the bad. That means that we’re just going to have to concede that matters of citizenship and territorial jurisdiction are ever-present considerations in any federalist system.

I want that proof, Leahy. I want that piece of paper that proves that that jurisdiction acknowledges that I am not liable for the federal personal income tax.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.