“Hi, everybody!”


“Do you like my plastered-on smile? I talk like I’m a bad ventriloquist, talking through my clenched teeth at a bar mitzvah or something, trying out my routine to see if peple wll notish thet I’m a cmplete fraud.

“I like faggts. And I like niggrs. An I’m workin on th spics. No one else likes ’em but I do. I checked th box an now they’re in my cornr.

“Can you see th demons wrappd aroun my brain stem? I’m an avatar. For real. Satanic entities are in cmplete cntrol of my body. An if my body evr gets elected, they’ll shift an work those levers of power like it’s a fuckin Frmula One racer.

“So can I have your vote? I’m jst like you with workaday cncerns about how to bring total dstruction to th erth.”

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.