Come on, losers. Go buy your tickets.

I made more money playing to broke college kids in Orlando than I ever did speaking to you people. Speaking to you is not its own reward.

Haul your fat asses to the box office and buy your tickets.

And do you take exception to how I speak to you? Are you losers gonna cry? You’d be surprised just how attentive I can be to my audience’s special emotional needs when they’re buying their tickets.

1. Pry fat ass off seat.
2. Waddle to the box office.
3. Cock head and drool and realize that this is not a free show.
4. Fish wallet out of pocket.
5. Give money to the girl at the box office.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.