My loser audience brings out the absolute worst in me.

It pisses me off to no end that no one will acknowledge my mere existence, much less buy a ticket to my show so that I can get out of first fucking gear with this non-career of mine.

I absolutely cannot stand my audience and that is no way to run a show. I am worse off for knowing you.

I’m going on vacation. I’ll be back when I’m back.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.