I would make an excellent governor.

…because I don’t fuck around.

I’d draft a letter to be sent to all federal prosecutors and judges within my territory:

“Hi. Hoo boy! What a laugh riot that Chris King is, eh? Yeah, he can have a potty mouth sometimes what with the cunts and the titty suckin’, but I see what he’s driving at.

“Say, I trust that you are aware that your jurisdiction’s application of the federal income tax to citizens of the several states is completely illegal, especially since we now know that the Sixteenth Amendment conferred no new taxing authority, the very same taxing authority upon which the IRS itself claims to rely in its pursuit of federal personal income tax receipts.

“So that means that your income tax prosecutions of citizens of my fine state are completely fraudulent. Frauds are cool, aren’t they? It’s like when some scumbag fleeces an elderly woman out of her savings for unnecessary home repairs never performed. Or like when some con artist tries to sell a piece of real estate he doesn’t own.

“I’m not fond of scumbags roaming throughout my territory, preying on the citizenry. I am charged by those who elected me to protect them from overzealous telemarketers, ripoff artists, con men, and purveyors of color-of-law frauds.

“You will immediately cease and desist with all pending tax evasion prosecutions. You will immediately take steps to free from prison all those whose lives you ruined with your frauds. And you will monetarily compensate those whose lives you ruined in your mind-bending ignorance of your own laws.

“If you do not do that, I will direct that you be indicted for all applicable violations of the law. And my Attorney General will play United States animal for a day: He or she will lard up the charge sheet with everything but the kitchen sink: conspiracy to commit this, conspiracy to commit that, looking at someone crosseyed, everything. I’m sure we can put together a nice vacation package for you.

“And I’ll have you arrested. I’ll have my guys just walk into your sewer of a “court” and slap the handcuffs on. We’d just be doing everyone a favor; who knows what other cons you’re running.

“Your jurisdiction is a joke to the world. You knowingly prosecute color-of-law frauds and hope that no one notices. Well, I’ve noticed. You will therefore end your criminal activity in my territory.

“Have a nice day. And see you tomorrow at Chris’ show. Maybe he’ll talk about his dick some more!”

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I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

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