Here they are, everyone! The Deathland Chronicle opens their geriatric mouths!

WASHINGTON — In the 14 years since Al Qaeda carried out attacks on New York and the Pentagon, extremists have regularly executed smaller lethal assaults in the United States, explaining their motives in online manifestoes or social media rants.

But the breakdown of extremist ideologies behind those attacks may come as a surprise. Since Sept. 11, 2001, nearly twice as many people have been killed by white supremacists, antigovernment fanatics and other non-Muslim extremists than by radical Muslims: 48 have been killed by extremists who are not Muslim, compared with 26 by self-proclaimed jihadists, according to a count by New America, a Washington research center.

The slaying of nine African-Americans in a Charleston, S.C., church last week, with an avowed white supremacist charged with their murders, was a particularly savage case. But it is only the latest in a string of lethal attacks by people espousing racial hatred, hostility to government and theories such as those of the “sovereign citizen” movement, which denies the legitimacy of most statutory law. The assaults have taken the lives of police officers, members of racial or religious minorities and random civilians.

For any who do not know, I lived in New York for a year in 2005, hoping to break into the comedy big leagues. Who knew that you could become America’s Senior Comedian without turning a single nickel in New York? New York is the Kmart of comedy, with its dirty aisles, always one step away from bankruptcy, its relevance receding into yesteryear. (Aaand I’ve just delayed my comedy career by another five years. See what sacrifices I’m willing to make as I dote on my audience to tell them the truth? As usual, it will be my fault for pointing out that New York comedians, by their own choice, elect not to be part of any meaningful conversation.)

But anyway, I could smell New Yorkers’ dead friends. You almost needed a surgical mask, the stink of death was so bad. Sheesh! What a shit hole that city was!

It must have been cool to hear that splat! sound as their friends and loved ones slammed into the pavement at terminal velocity. I wonder what their screams sounded like as they scrabbled at the walls when they got cooked alive in a simple urban renewal project and Masonic human sacrifice to Molech.

I couldn’t get out of that dead city fast enough.

Back five or eight years ago, the Deathland Chronicle was always the first to keep the dream alive. They’d spill endless ink ridiculing those kooky “truthers,” those who lazily point out that steel-framed buildings don’t typically blow right up and fall right down from the effects of burning kerosene, copy paper, and hairpieces. Maybe that rag’s Hebronic publishers didn’t want anyone to find out about Saudi and Israeli involvement in the event. The New York Times eventually shut their mouths when the rest of the world moved on from the fantasy tale about how Osama bin Laden and his merry band of malcontents hurriedly installed incompatible engine hardware on Flight 175 without anyone noticing.

So here’s the New York Times, printing all the news thats fit for CIA dissemination, rolling out some new tripe for their braindead audience about a new kooky thing called –let me double check– a “sovereign citizen movement,” which, in that rag’s sophistic, guilt-by-association fashion, shoots people in churches.

Again, it’s not a “movement.” It’s a legal status. It’s kind of boring, actually.

I took a crap in the IRS’s face right here in my another-one-for-the-history-books theater and the Justice Department just sits there, red-faced and embarrassed, knowing full well that they’ll lose quite entertainingly and spectacularly should they ever unwisely request that the matter be heard in court.

So since the foreign bankers who own the CIA end up losing tax revenue every time a slave escapes, those bankers will instruct the CIA to instruct the New York Times to run a piece to further pollute their braindead readership’s understanding of the matter. Those bankers don’t want anyone finding out how to reduce their tax liability.

And that is how that stinky old hooker of an ashen lady operates in the land of corpses and zombies.

“I’m spreadin’ tha nooz!
Hearin’ today!
Somethin’ somethin’ yeah! I’m here to say!
If you can | make it here | you can make it | anywhere!
La la something in the city that never sleeps!”

That idiot city needs to shut its dead, irrelevant face. There’s nothing more embarrassing than to watch a has-been town make like it’s still 1970.

I have traveled the world, experienced numerous cultures, and lived in various cities. Hands down, New York is the biggest shit hole I’ve ever set foot in. And you can quote me on that. The city is a corpse.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.