Open call for contract writers with experience in journalism using the “inverted pyramid” writing structure to cover the five Ws (Who, What, When, Where and Why – especially the Why) of a story. Initially, you’ll be paid per story (with bonuses given for exceptional performance) and if you show promise, we’ll move you into a full-time position here in Austin, Texas. The ideal candidate will be well-versed in libertarian and constitutional principles, know how to write hard-hitting headlines and cover what’s trending in the news in a very timely manner. We require exceptional writers, who are obsessive about proper form and do NOT plagiarize! News junkies who read the Drudge Report every day are encouraged to apply. If you are offered the opportunity of a full time position, you must be ready to move to Austin, Texas in short order. Please send two writing samples that showcase your writing ability on subjects that would appeal to the Infowars.com audience.
Something is wrong with the submission form and I can’t lodge my interest. Something about an Error 503. I’ve got such a complex now about being a nonperson that I almost wonder if even the server doesn’t want anything to do with me. So I’ll apply here:
Good morning. I am America’s Senior Comedian. You may or may not have heard of me. I can’t know that.
I have twelve years’ experience writing in a succinct, linear, entertaining fashion. You may find my current show at @USS_Armageddon. All pieces delivered there may be found at secretpenistime.wordpress.com.
Here are the highlights of my C.V.:
–If I need to speak with the president, I just type something. It is a hard-won professional distinction. That and fifty cents will get you a cup of coffee.
I have long admired your organization and I would be pleased to be included among your stable of thoroughbreds.
I sometimes get emails and sometimes not, as my internet connection is sporadic. And even when I check my email it’s usually just junk. You may text or call my cellphone at 802-289-XXXX. Please be advised that all communications there are surveilled in real time by the Secret Service, the FBI, and the Vermont State Police. The Secret Service in Burlington have my permission to give you my cell number. They’re supposed to be buying tickets anyway. Or you may send a letter to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.
Thank you. In any event, please continue with the fine work over there. I really don’t have much expectation that anyone will acknowledge my existence. It’s not your fault.
Leahy. Has your idiot organization typed up its papers so that I can get a job here in the land of the free? Is it legal now for me to communicate with prospective employers? Remove that piece of fucking dog shit from my existence. It’s stinking up the place.
I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.