It’s always about the money, isn’t it, Senator.

I’m a little slow on the uptake sometimes. Ain’t no fool like an old fool.

I’d like to apologize to your jurisdiction’s employees. They did not, in fact, scare off Mister Oblivious.

No, what happened here is that he found himself a “beard”  –a beard with money, no less. He’s like that fag who married Liza Minelli.

And that’s why he won’t speak a single kind word to me in my hour of need: If he says something at all to me, much less something nice, people will think that he’s queer. And we can’t have that. If there is any hint that he’s queer, his wife will realize that she married everyone’s worst nightmare: a gold digger.

Uh huh. See? I figure things out very well. Mister Saunders will attest to that. Even in the absence of all information, I will still gather my intel.

I cannot believe that I spent twelve years of my life attempting to comply with the last valid instruction issued to me, which was to come hither, only to get a “Who are you again?”

And I know what you’re thinking, Senator: “Well where does he go to suck dicks, then?” I don’t know. Bus stations? A CCRAD support group? Who knows. Who cares.

And that’s why I need that three hundred million dollars. I want to take a selfie with my United States Treasury check in the amount of 300,000,000 dollars and 0 (zero) cents and send it to him, saying, “Look what I got. And guess who will never see any. So enjoy your consolation prize of a braindead wife. And get out of my theater. You can ask your mindbogglingly stupid wife what she thinks about matters. I don’t know what it’s like to have to sit across the dinner table from a can of Turtle Wax every night for the rest of your life, but I guess you’re gonna find out.”

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I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

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