A Message to the Listeners of The Hagmann & Hagmann Report – The Hagmann & Hagmann Report

Just as it is our right to refuse to endorse any company (such as Blue Apron) that openly promotes a behavior that is contrary to Christian beliefs, it is a company’s right (such as Nature Box) to pull their advertising from our show. In fact, we prefer it, for we must uniformly stand for that in which we believe, regardless of the cost.

As I stated above, The Hagmann & Hagmann Report has a responsibility not only to ourselves but to our listeners, that we must always be faithful to the Word of God regardless of the ramifications, and obedient to His will and commandments. Furthermore, we have a responsibility to our listeners to be consistent in our message and unwavering in our practices.

We stand firm in our faith and thank those who support us to keep our radio program “going and growing.” It is our commitment to you that we will not be silenced, nor will we ever stand silent when our faith and beliefs come under attack, either directly or indirectly.


What happened recently is that Blue Apron, a producer of gourmet, easily prepared meals and an advertiser with the Hagmann and Hagmann Report, turns out to have been a supporter of gay marriage, which the Hagmanns are philosophically opposed to. In the land of the free and the home of the brave, I’d like to think that people are free to hold an opinion not promulgated by the Tavistock Institute.

So the Hagmanns elected to discontinue their relationship with Blue Apron. Then Nature Box, a producer of healthful snacks and the only other advertiser with the Hagmanns, elected to discontinue their relationship with the Hagmanns as Nature Box and Blue Apron share an advertising management company or whatever.

So the Hagmann and Hagmann Report now has zero revenue. Welcome to the club. May I suggest raking leaves, cleaning lawyers’ houses, and stacking wood as your new revenue model.

I have been watching Idiot Nondiction United Idiot investigate me since, verifiably, the first quarter of 2005 when the pure geniuses over there placed me on the Airport Security Selectee list, as evidenced by the ‘SSSS’ printed on my boarding pass during a trip to Orlando to ply my terroristic trade as professional comedian. This, despite my having no criminal record and being a well-decorated, honorably discharged veteran who still qualifies for his Top Secret SCI security clearance.

As I have been professionally trained in countersurveillance as part of my work in Naval Intelligence, it is nigh theoretically impossible to investigate me without my finding out about it. The feds were so cute the way they were making like they were investigating me! I later elected to blow their investigation by merely speaking to them with my feet up on the desk while eating pistachio nuts in my living room. I lectured their junior guys on how to properly run an investigation. (And that’s probably one of the reasons why that idiot conviction, secured by that idiot jurisdiction, shepherded by my idiot attorney who denied me the opportunity to participate in my own defense by dismissing me as insane, probably went bye bye into hyperspace without my having to dirty myself by filing paperwork with the jurisdiction in question. And maybe being in the hands-off legal protective custody of the Secret Service had something to do with it. After all, how, pray tell, does one Secret Service protectee perceive a threat in the middle of a stand-up comedy show mounted by another Secret Service protectee? Like so much at that genius jurisdiction, it just didn’t make sense. So if I had to take a guess, the jurisdiction collectively sucked their teeth and nodded their heads and waved their magic wands and made that embarrassing episode on their criminal record go bye bye.)

But anyway, I am apparently, at once, a Secret Service “protectee” and terrorist. It’s a curious combination. The jurisdiction has got itself wrapped up in its own kook law.

My audience is chiefly comprised of government employees who are investigating the excellence of my work. So I suppose they are prohibited from buying tickets to a show which is not free. This isn’t some Loserbook page where I’m “bragging on my blog.” This is a low-bandwidth transmission of spoken word pieces that I deliver to you in real time in my virtual theater of the mind. The show has dramatic and theatrical arcs just like a live performance. The only thing missing is that you cannot see me. If people begin buying their tickets, I can hire camera guys and editors and put on a daily video show.

So I want each and every last valued, though stingy, member of my audience to remit to the Hagmann and Hagmann Report an amount of money in lieu of their ticket purchase to my show. I suggest twenty or fifty or a hundred dollars. (You just watched a professional comedian hand the IRS and the Justice Department their own asses. If that’s not worth a hundred bucks, I don’t know what is.)

Send your money to:

Hagmann Investigative Services, inc.
P.O. Box 9534
Erie, PA 16505

Do it right now or leave my theater. This is not a free show. I’m tired of winos and vagrants stealing into my theater and stinking up the place.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.