As a matter of fact, I propose that we change the name of the land of the free and the home of the brave to “Babyland.”

And the new flag features an American squarely in the center of it:


(That’s a png file with a transparent background for any enterprising graphics people in my audience. Just superimpose it on the American flag for me, will you?)

See? He’s an American, screwing his fists into his eyes and crying because he’s offended about something.

“You looked at me cross-eyed! Boo hoo! You said a bad word! Boo hoo! You’re cisgender phobic! Boo hoo!”

This idiot nation needs to toughen up.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.