DEAR CHRIS: I’ve been “seeing” this guy for three months. He’s 36. I’m 21.
We had a first kiss several weeks after starting to go out. He always takes me out to dinner (insists on paying every time), and we go on dates such as bike riding and going to the park.
Last Friday he invited me to a bar/arcade and I met his friends. We all hit it off and it was a great night. The following day, Saturday morning, he asked me to have breakfast with him at a nice restaurant. The day after that, on Sunday, he asked me to a bike ride and dinner. I happily agreed.
We ate takeout and had a nice night staying in and watching TV. Afterward he told me he didn’t want me to leave, so I spent the night. We cuddled for a bit and then we fell asleep (opposite sides of the bed). He didn’t try to be intimate with me.
This is the second time we’ve spent the night together and he hasn’t tried to make a move on me. Is he not sexually attracted to me? Or maybe he wants to take things slow? I’m so confused! What do you think? — Confused
DEAR CONFUSED: I’ve seen this before. So I’ll just phone this one in.
Lemme guess: He flies into a fuckin’ rage whenever you’re nice to him, right? And he says kook stuff like “You don’t understand the boundaries. I like to get wid girls.” So you back off because you figure that you’re barking up the wrong tree, which is the story of your life. And then he gets pissed off because you’re not putting the moves on him. Am I right? And it gets better: He endlessly talks about how he likes girls, but unbeknownst to you he’s got a secret lexicon of kookery wherein “girl” means gay man. See? He secretly likes to get with gay men. And if you really loved him, you would know this through your access to his inner thoughts.
It is theoretically impossible to satisfy him. He trails behind him his own debris field of craziness. Run. Don’t go back for your purse. Just run.
I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.