@TheJusticeDept Why won’t you indict me for tax evasion? Are you scared?

What am I now, chopped liver here? Where’s the love these days? I want to be the center of attention again. I mean, there was a time when you were so interested that you’d just come into my house whenever you felt like it. Can’t we do the teenage lovers thing again? For old times’ sake? And I want to be able to talk to my audience without having to get up off the couch and drive to the nearest comedy club.

I feel neglected. How do I rekindle the magic? How about a nice, juicy tax evasion indictment? Willful failure to file? Conspiracy to commit wire fraud across state lines on a Tuesday? Anything?

C’mon. Here it is, on a silver platter. It’s a slam dunk. Open and shut. It’s your dream case against Public Enemy Number One: I am plainly stating that I have not paid a single penny to the IRS in twenty years, nor have I filed a tax return during that time. Certainly you’re not gonna let that slide, right?

Are you just going to sit there as I hang my fat dick out and jet a yellow arc of piss off the edge of my stage and into your fraudulent faces?

Let’s not let this love affair die on the vine. Just a little reciprocation is all I need to make this relationship blossom into something beautiful.

Thanks for the stage, dummies. Now it’s “another one for the history books” that you knowingly and willfully misapply the federal personal income tax, thus availing yourselves of a RICO indictment.

Nice racket you got there.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.