Don’t gloat about the Ashley Madison leak. It’s about way more than infidelity – The Washington Post

Amid reports that hackers apparently had posted online the personal and financial information for up to 40 million members of the infidelities-R-us Web site Ashley Madison, some Americans responded Tuesday night with a shrug.

Just as many, however, responded with a smirk.

Call it schadenfreude. Or, to use the parlance of our high-tech, low sympathy times, a collective lulz. But many people took to Twitter to express their amusement at what seemed to them like poetic justice.

For whatever reason, and I do not wish to explore it or discuss it, I have been single for 94 percent of my adult life. A good portion of my audience will attest that being single absolutely blows. Single people don’t live long, among other things.

So it warms my heart to see all these aspiring cheaters outed. (And I call them ‘aspiring’ because it has been alleged that some large portion of the female profiles on one of the Ashley Madison sites were fake, meaning that some ninety percent of the paying subscribers were men. Talk about a sausage party.)

I cannot stand cheaters. To a single person, watching someone cheat is like the starving man watching someone throw away food.

I cannot begin to count the number of weirdo freaks with wives and girlfriends who wanted to take me on a business trip or on a Brokeback Mountain camping trip so they can taste a penis or have themselves some jail vagina or whatever it is they’re after, whatever is lacking in their sad lives. And what’s worse is that once they’ve “come back to the cock”  –one circus freak actually said that– they’ll pretend not to know you if you accidentally presume to speak to them on the street.

So that’s why I call my show “Secret Penis Time.” I’m having a secret affair with my adoring audience who pretend not to know me, much less will they buy their tickets so that I can hire camera guys and writers and put on a proper show.

It’s the perfect title.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.