MINNEAPOLIS — Hillary Rodham Clinton sought to position herself as the clear standard-bearer for Democrats here Friday, firing up a roomful of party loyalists with a call to arms against Republicans she called dangerously out of touch.
“Hi, everybody! This is a different kind of smile now because I’m back in the safe harbor of the party drone– er, I mean faithful! Yay! No one can get me here! Chris is on the surface of the sun and he forgot all about me as I ducked into the cool shadows of my blue lighting and he won’t– Wha, what, Huma? What’s that? That bastard is here already? He’s a terriss! He’s terrorizing all of us establishment retreads! I can’t even repair to the inner sanctum of Democratic Party idiots and droolers! Why can’t he ridicule Barack Obama some more?! I liked it better that way! It’s like they’re boyfriends now or something! It’s like all he does is pity-ridicule him now! What will it be like for me when I’m president?! [Ed. note: Not gonna happen.] He’ll ridicule my satanic brainstem all day long! I hate him! I’m sure glad that we made him a terriss so that he can’t have a comedy career while he just laughs and laughs and laughs, biding his time as he will, writing his memoir about how he hasn’t paid federal income tax for 20 years, much to the consternation of pure criminal trash like us! Yay! Give yourselves a hand, everyone! We went up against a professional comedian and we lost, predictably enough, considering the Eighteenth Law of Thermodynamics, which reads, and I quote –lemme find that slip of paper; I’ve got it here somewhere– ahem: ‘Chris is the comedian and he will win.”
I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.