I know what you’re thinking, Senator: “What are you going to do with your three hundred million dollars, Chris?”

I’ve given that a lot of thought. Here is a list that I’ve come up with:

1. I’m going to have that strut mount replaced. And I want the air conditioning fixed. I will have some minor dings and crunches in the body fixed. And the rear main seal needs replacing because it leaks oil. I want that 1996 Volvo 850 Turbo Estate restored to showroom condition.


And I want flames painted on the sides.

2. I am going to create a corporation called King Global Enterprises Corp. It will be incorporated in my principality, United Sovereigns of America. The corporate tax rate in USov is a flat five percent. It’ll be a tax haven. And I will buy an office building inside which I and my staff will conduct my enterprises. That skyscraper will, in large letters at the top, state, simply, “KING”.

3. I will hire the finest lawyers anywhere. And I will treat them as they deserve. I will outfit their custodial office in the basement with the finest mop buckets and brooms and that stuff that you spray to get graffiti off the walls. They shall want for nothing. They will wear their hairpieces and their three-piece suits and their tassled loafers as they go about their custodial duties. There shall be no waste baskets anywhere in my corporate headquarters. If one of my staff shall let, say, a milk shake get warm on his desk through his inattention, the staff member is to throw it at whatever nearest custodian, to splatter all over his expensive suit, and to occasion his hurling of his milk shake with “Clean that up, dummy.”

4. I want a gyro copter like out of that Mad Max movie.

5. I want an electric foot bath, like the kind they sell at Rite Aid. I think they’re twenty or thirty dollars.

There’s more, I’m sure. This is just the stuff off the top of my head.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.