Monthly Archives: September 2015

Interview Horror Stories: Interviewing With An Emperor | Above the Law

Interview season can feel like a slightly lower-stakes Hunger Games, with the rest of your life in the balance. It’s a high-pressure situation and nervous 2Ls are often on the brink. So what happens when the interviewer — in this case a partner — decides to mess with the candidates?

I was interviewing at OCI for [Biglaw] in NY, and was somewhat anxious going into the interview since I had met a partner (an alumnus from my law school with a similar background and interests as me) at one of the firm’s Asian offices during my 1L summer and was, as a result, pretty interested in the firm. Really wanted to kill the interview, because interview decisions were made in NY. Had read up a bunch on the firm and the particular interviewing partner, and I had already done 10 interviews the day before so I was feeling pretty confident in my interview game at that point. I walk in the door, shake hands with the partner, and sit down across from him. I’m thinking I’m ready for any question.

He looks me in the eyes and just says:

“OK. Entertain me.”

Full stop.

I look at him for a second, because this has to be a f**king joke. (Does he think OCI is Gladiator? Does he want me to dance around like a clown for his amusement?)

But he’s clearly not kidding. He’s leaning back in his chair with a very self-satisfied look. He wants to see me freak out and scramble. After a beat – in which I seriously considered just standing up and walking out – I just decide to plow through and give my normal pitch about my background and interests. He has his hands interlocked Mr. Burns style for most of the interview, presumably sitting in judgment over my life story.

“OK. Entertain me.”

“Well, first off, please forgive my appropriately artistically mismatched coat and tie. Hm. How’s this?: I talked some dog shit and terminated the federal government. And I made Obamacare go bye bye and I don’t have to pay income tax anymore. I think I could be an asset to your shitheel firm because I can make you money. It’s always about the money, isn’t it? I never finished college and didn’t bother going to law school. Am I hired? Am I fit to run with you eggheads who wouldn’t know their asses from a hole in the ground? Am I adequately off-putting to get fired before I’m even hired? Huh? Dummy?”

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.



Your shit-encrusted profession is a revolting parade of the damned.

For any who do not know, not a single person in my audience has ever even acknowledged my existence. Leahy, for example, has steadfastly refused to respond to a single written inquiry of mine at any time over the past seven years. I am quite certain that I could send him a certified, winning Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes ticket and the old fuck would refuse to redeem it.

It has taken me an entire decade to painstakingly gather enough data points to determine the approximate size and composition of my audience. I have to smoke out my own audience. They just sit there looking at me. Cat got their tongue. I cannot even conceive of any other professional stage performer having to deal with this total nonsense, much less succeeding at the task as I have, what with having to dip into my old toolbox of intelligence tips and tricks just to determine my own environment.

Ask any stage performer. They will confirm that it is nigh theoretically impossible to perform without a knowledge of the size and composition of the audience. “Is it fifty people or five thousand? Is it retirees or college kids?”

It’s a bunch of idiots is what they are. Bunch of shoplifters. I’m starving to fuckin’ death up here while my idiot audience think it’s a free show.

Leahy. The pure human waste in the Justice Department continue to maintain in kook court that I am worthy of gag orders and that I am a terrorist for, among other things, meeting the definition of their favorite whore word, “tax protestor.”

But I’m not liable for the tax. There’s nothing left to protest against.

The trash organization has zero intention of indicting me for tax evasion. I will win. They know that. I know they know that. And they know that I know. You don’t fabricate teenage lovers for someone for whom you have any other means of getting rid of.

I am delivering on a silver platter to the Justice Department all they need to send me down the river for countless years for my not having paid a single nickel in federal income tax for twenty years and for not having filed a tax return during that time. What else do they need?

So you go to kook court today and you move your mouth and you demand that the whores in the executive branch either indict me for tax evasion –which would only seem to be their holy grail, as they maintain that I am a tax protestor, after all– or you demand that those idiots stop keying my car. And I couldn’t care less that I make Obamacare go bye bye. It sounds like a personal problem. Maybe certain someones ought not to have predicated their signature legislative victories on total legal falsehoods. Boo hoo. You’d think the Legal Scholar in Chief would know better. (Or maybe he did.)

In short, get. that piece. of fucking dog shit that you call a jurisdiction out. of. my. fucking. path. old. fucking. man.

I have absolutely had it with the harassment and the obstruction of my movement in my field of expertise which has cost me who knows how many tens of millions of dollars over ten years.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Bernie Sanders Returns as Big Man on Campus – The Daily Beast

“When you have one family who spends more money than either political party,” he said of the Koch brothers, who Sanders said will spend $900 million in order to get their way this election cycle, “you are not looking at democracy, you are looking at oligarchy.”

Bernie doesn’t think big enough.

Bernie and I are fraternal twins. We are exactly alike except for one thing: I climbed a tree so that I could see further. I know something he doesn’t.

If Bernie believes that the Koch brothers, those billionaires who “will spend $900 million in order to get their way this election cycle” are in away way relevant, then he has no understanding of politics whatsoever. He’s talking a grade-school brand of politics. The real problem in this world is the influence of trillionaires and quadrillionaires, those who own central banks and who own and control the very medium of exchange of all human activity.

Until Bernie is willing to take on the Federal Reserve, I don’t want to hear another sophomoric word out of his mouth about total nobodies like his favorite bugaboo, the Koch brothers. Put a quarter in the guy and turn the knob and he’ll come to life like the mechanical fortune teller arcade attraction at the carnival: “Koch brothers. Koch brothers. It’s the Koch brothers.”

The very political structure that Bernie would create to counter the influence of billionaires is the same political structure required by quadrillionaires to transform this world into their own personal hell on earth.

It’s almost like Bernie is a useful idiot. Ain’t no fool like an old fool.

And it hurts me to say that because we’re so similar. But there is one tiny, little piece of the puzzle that he’s still somehow just not getting.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

U.S. Turns to ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ Writer for Anti-ISIS Propaganda – The Daily Beast

The Obama administration is turning to HBO, Snapchat, and a controversial, Oscar-winning screenwriter to help them fight ISIS.

Earlier this year, the State Department convened a group of friends in the U.S. film industry, social media, and premium cable TV to brainstorm ways to counter jihadist propaganda.

That’s right: College grads with their bright ideas are going to wage information warfare against ISIS when they probably don’t even know what information warfare even is. Information warfare is the interplay of informational structures which reside in a higher dimension. It’s a little more complicated than the production of propaganda.

This genius nation has a military, right? You got all those fancy satellites? The solution here isn’t to make a movie, it’s to exterminate that band of cavemen who consider it morally proper to keep eight-year-old sex slaves, both male and female. How hard is it? How hard is it to drop some bombs and lob some cruise missiles? Never has this world seen a more morally auspicious occasion to exterminate an entire class of human.

ISIS is an apocalyptic death cult. Help them on their way. Consider it target practice.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Madam Prosecutor?

Why did you choose law as a profession? Did it seem a noble pursuit? You now understand that law is the single most disgusting profession that one could even draw up on paper. If I were to counsel a young person who was contemplating a career in law, I would say, “Go into law only if you want people to automatically vomit when they accidentally look at you. Go into computer programming instead. You’ll use precisely the same logic and argument-formulation skills as a lawyer, but you won’t be nearly as disgusting. You won’t pollute human society with your mere existence.”

Isn’t it laughable that your trash profession wants me to pay $315 to some scam outfit to certify my upstanding moral character before I am even permitted to take that eye-rollingly easy Bar Exam? It’s like the town whorehouse wanting to certify the character of new hires. Your guild think pretty highly of yourselves, don’t you?

How does your trash profession get off demanding that new hires prove their moral rectitude? That’s a laugh. You people stink of ass.

Say, now that you are aware that nonresident aliens, aka non-District of Columbia citizens, are in no way even theoretically liable for the federal income tax, is that considered exculpatory evidence that you are obligated to share with defense counsel? “Hi. Madam Prosecutor here. I am professionally obligated to share with you the exculpatory evidence I’ve discovered, which is that your client could not have even theoretically committed the crime in question. Have a nice day. I’ll put together a plea deal.”

Is your trash profession planning on sharing that exculpatory evidence with defense counsel from now on? Of course not. Lawyers have no honor whatsoever and only a person of low character would join their ranks. A lawyer will always, always, always glance left and right to see if anyone has noticed his con. Lawyers are in no way guided by some internal moral code. Their only moral consideration is what they think they can get away with.

The broader public are not yet aware of the legal truths discovered here in my court. Your whorish profession will therefore continue glancing left and right.

Three hundred and fifteen dollars and zero cents. The trash profession actually wants me to pay three hundred and fifteen dollars and zero cents to certify my character.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.


I want this entered into my legal record. I want everyone in my audience to know that the completely useless nothings at the FBI are now undertaking to set up Alex Jones. (It is theoretically impossible that they would succeed. The goofs couldn’t even decide on a name for my teenage lover. They’re not the sharpest tools in the shed.)

But let’s all settle into our seats with a fresh soda pop and some Raisinets or Mike and Ikes or whatever your pleasure may be, and watch the ding dongs at the Justice Department fabricate themselves a case.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

@TheJusticeDept Come here. I am not remotely done yet.

I found some photos of you predators getting put in your place.


“A Vermont comedian defended a helpless person against the predations of Justice Department filth who don’t even know the law. (Or maybe they do, and that’s even worse.)”


“Chris King knocked the bully to the ground with one punch.”


“But management claims that no one ever bought their ticket in the first place.”


“The whore organization is left lying bleeding from their wherever while the comedian proceeds to twist the knife until he’s had his fill, which won’t be any time soon, we’re guessing. He’s a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but he knows now what the Justice Department and Obama are scared of, and that’s why Chris doesn’t mind erring on the side of safety when he wonders if maybe he had forgotten to inform his audience that he hasn’t paid a single nickel in federal income tax in twenty years and the little babies at the IRS and the Justice Department just sit there and cry their little baby cries, unable to get their little baby wieners high energy enough to indict him for tax evasion or Willful Failure to File.”


“Footage, filmed by Chris King’s delightful audience as they cock their heads and wonder if they’re not watching history in the making, as Chris had been maintaining all along. ‘Is this show worth the price of a ticket?’ they wonder aloud before satisfying themselves that it is not, and they return to their drooling.”


“What the fuck is your problem? he asks the trashy whores in the Justice Department.”

Photos courtesy of UK Daily Mail.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Good news, everyone!

Today is pledge drive day. (Though it’s not actually a pledge drive that we’re having here; it’s where my audience of fatasses pry their fat asses off their chairs and lumber to the box office and buy their tickets like they’re supposed to.)

Sometimes I need to remind my delightful audience of some things:

1. I am a professional, critically acclaimed comedian. This is a show. This is a low-bandwidth show. I deliberately chose this format ten years ago because I happen to know from my experience as a telecommunications technician that low-bandwidth transmissions propagate the furthest with the least amount of transmission power. That is, morse code goes all around the world, whereas a television transmission goes about fifty miles.

2. Despite what Madam Prosecutor may maintain, this is not a blog. This is not a diary of my innermost thoughts to be read by my imaginary friends on Twitter or Loserbook. You are watching me perform before you, I walking around on my creaky wooden stage in the back room of Will’s Pub in Orlando. These are my words as I speak them to you. Always has been, always will be.

3. As I’ve said for nearly a decade, I’m amazed at the number of people who hate my guts, yet they insist on dutifully showing up here every morning. In showbiz terms, I am what is known as a “draw.” If you do not like me, you may register your displeasure by the only means available to you, which is to exit my theater. I won’t care. No one has ever bought a ticket anyway, so your departure in no way affects my bottom line or any other aspect of my existence.

4. My show is not a “try out” for a “real” show on television. I would immediately get fired from any television role and I’d wind up right back here. So let’s just cut out the middleman.

5. I don’t give out comp passes, except to those who genuinely cannot afford the $100 yearly ticket. There is no news media discount. There is no law enforcement discount. You’re investigating the excellence of my work, nothing more. If you are reading this, you are obligated to buy a ticket. We operate on the honor system here. Heretofore, my audience have displayed zero honor. Can you imagine how much fun it is to speak to a bunch of shoplifters?

6. In case I have not yet made it perfectly clear, I have not paid federal income tax in twenty years and the Justice Department’s minds have imploded and they just sit there and bawl their little eyes out at how no rational person would even read a United States law, much less follow it. We’re busy people and we just don’t have the time to find the color-of-law fraud in a thing.

Buy your tickets, losers. I can’t hire camera guys and writers until you do that. I need to talk to you people for free like I need a hole in the head.

Send your hundred bucks to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Prison » Source: White House Has FBI Task Force Investigating Infowars

Around a year ago, Jones was first contacted by a source within the FBI who informed him that Infowars was being kept under close surveillance by the federal government.

Another well placed source contacted Jones yesterday to tell him that an FBI task force in Washington DC was now specifically dedicated to targeting Jones and the Infowars operation and was preparing to launch a search and seizure raid once a pretext could be contrived.

Meetings have already taken place where FBI agents have openly expressed their confidence that they will find something with which to go after Jones – even if it means framing the radio host – the source said.

“They’re very confident that they can raid this facility and make something up,” said Jones. “Real people in the FBI continue to contact me to say this is coming, this is being done, be ready.”

Watch out for teenage lovers!

But you may be able to use the surveillance to rebroadcast your show to your target law enforcement audience.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.