WASHINGTON — The correspondence arrived as Hillary Rodham Clinton was preparing for a trip to Prague. It read as if it were penned by a paramour.
“I love you,” wrote ad guru Roy Spence. “I respect you. I miss you. I cherish every moment of our remarkable journey together.”
But it wasn’t evidence of some inappropriate dalliance. Far from it. The message was just part of the daily Washington game of seeking attention from important people.
And, shocker, it worked. Clinton asked a staff member to print it out.
Normally a thick layer of grime, applied by this town’s legions of image-makers, prevents the public from seeing through the windows of Washington’s most important offices and obscures the kissing up, fawning, and groveling that occurs daily in the capital. But a federal judge’s order forcing the State Department to release Clinton’s e-mails has, like a spurt of Windex, cleared a little corner of the pane.
The thousands of pages of Clinton’s correspondence that crossed her unorthodox private server while she reigned as secretary of state offer a textbook on how official Washington communicates. For political junkies it’s a trove of insight not unlike the hacked Sony e-mails or messages from Wall Street traders that have leaked out during litigation
Being in the public spotlight as I am, I’m always concerned about emails from my past. I’ve got to get out in front of this. I’m just going to bite the bullet. Yes, I have committed my fair share of obsequiousness. I had earlier been in contact with Hillary Clinton. You’ll find out about it sooner or later, so you might as well hear it from me. Here is a copy from my files:
From: Chris King
Sent: Wed Mar 24 18:45:10 2014
Subject: Hello, my dear
You are sooo smart all the time! That’s why I am in total love with your inherent excellence! You did a great job on TV the other day; I could hardly see those demons writhing in your soul! And your makeup artist did a great job covering up your crone-like countenance!
I can see the future. It is, after all, only March 24th 2014. I will rub my temples and go into a trance and flop around on the floor and predict the future:
Barack Obama is going to double cross you next year. He is going to greenlight an FBI investigation into your espionage crimes. Your goose will be cooked. But I have a plan to save you, my love:
I am the only American still walking the streets after having repeatedly “bragged on my blog” about how I haven’t paid a single nickel in income tax in twenty years and that’s why I’m on everyone’s shit list. The Justice Department can’t seem to put together a case against a guy whose big crime is to lazily point out that the idiot jurisdiction’s own legal canon plainly states that the Sixteenth Amendment conferred no new taxing authority. So the point is, if the IRS can’t punish me for not paying income tax, and since that genius Roberts assures us that Obamacare’s personal mandate is a tax, then I am the one guy in the country who legally cannot be punished for failing to buy health insurance. And ipso facto, Obamacare goes bye bye into hyperspace. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t like me.
So if you want to sink the guy who double crossed you, just lazily mention in a press conference that America’s Senior Comedian took President Piss Pant’s flagship victory right away from him.
It’s the least I can do for someone so beautiful, so smart, so wise and just, and so excellent as you.
I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.