Prison » Shock Video: Man Dies in Jail Lobby After Encounter with Sheriff’s Deputies

Saunders. I knew this big burly guy once who called 911 because he saw a spider in his house. The moral of the story is that not everything merits an emergency response.

Had this guy walked in during my watch, coughing and doubling over and asking for help, what do you think I should have done?

(A) Say “What’s the matter, son? You sit right here.”

(B) Scream “Get down on the ground, motherfucker!”

(C) Assemble my pack of fellow jackals because we smell prey.

(D) Body slam the guy, kneel on his throat, kill him, tamper with the autopsy by stealing throat organs, and maliciously and falsely claim that the guy had drugs in his car.

You’ve got your work cut out for you, don’t you, Saunders? You have to completely undo twenty years’ worth of idiot training.

Try not to kick the shit out of the parcels. That is professional consideration Number One in your line of work. Let’s not overthink it.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.