As you may know, I’m a big star.

If I could just get my adoring audience to buy their tickets so that I can hire camera guys and writers, then I might be impressed by that status.

The townspeople here in Touch Hole Junction are not yet aware that I am a star. They’re not aware that I am in the hands-off legal protective custody of the Secret Service. I’m a big shot. Again, I might be impressed if I could just pay my bills by my work in my field of expertise. In the meantime, my statuses as Star and Big Shot mean nothing. Those don’t keep the lights on.

The problem here is that the town government hear various cops from various agencies whispering about me all the time. And since the locals think I’m just that loser who rakes leaves and stacks wood, the local geniuses think that I am a criminal who is under investigation by the cops.

I have never been in trouble with the law a day in my life. I have zero criminal record. But by virtue of the nature of my work, I shall forever be investigated by someone. It goes with the territory. I am the most thoroughly investigated, most highly vetted person you would likely ever meet. I cannot even theoretically be in trouble with the law because “being in trouble” is a subset of “something happening,” and since nothing ever happens in my life you see that any maelstrom of trouble surrounding me doesn’t actually originate with me. I’m just always kind of accidentally at the center of it all.

But no matter to the locals who have nothing better to do with their trust fund existence than to weave for themselves a grand, rich tapestry of my life, their handiwork to be held aloft so they might regard their brainchild of a story of that curious fellow whom no one really knows.

So when the cops whisper about me, the locals interpret this the wrong way. They cannot know that I am a Secret Service protectee. They think I’m a criminal. And whereas I earn my living by being trustworthy enough to provide various services to my customers, the whispering is ruining my reputation in this town. People are flashing me dirty looks and they no longer wave to me on the street. And that complicates my ability to earn a living. I smell another lawsuit.

Government employees everywhere are to shut their pieholes. If you cannot tell the local geniuses that I am a Star and a Big Shot, then don’t say anything at all.

In my television show that I’m writing, there is a sign at the edge of town: “Welcome to Touch Hole Junction. We are a town well pleased with ourselves.”

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.