You know what I’m going to do next, Senator? I’m going to run for public office.

“Hi. Thank you for watching my campaign ad that I filmed on my $50 smartphone. Isn’t the 2am advertising slot great? Ad space here is almost too cheap to meter.

“My name is Chris King and I’m a big star in Washington. The Justice Department and I have been dating for ten years now ever since they declared a highly decorated military intelligence veteran to be a terrorist. Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do! Maybe they don’t like me because I haven’t paid a single nickel in federal income tax in twenty years and there’s nothing they can do about it because the law is on my side and our venue is on the surface of the sun.

“Do you like freedom like on all the bumper stickers? Me too. I am free, I am brave, and I am Vermont Strong, just like the pamphlets say. I’m a regular Mister Freedom.

“So if you don’t like paying federal income tax, if you don’t like Obamacare, if you want to be so free that you can exercise your natural right to travel, then vote for me. I’ll kick that idiot jurisdiction right in the balls.

“I will fight– [awkward pantomime as I lurch forward a half step and swing my fist like a boxer like I’m some goofball defense attorney in his late-night ad] –for you!”

What do you think, Senator? It’ll break the entire political system, won’t it?

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.