Hillary Clinton finally issued an apology for using a personal email account to conduct official State Department business but her apology might have come as a result of focus group findings.
According to The New York Times, Clinton’s aides showed a focus group of New Hampshire independents and Democrats a video of a news conference Clinton held late last month in which she discussed the controversy over her personal email use.
“Participants said they wanted to hear more from Mrs. Clinton about the issue,” wrote The New York Times.
“The focus group also showed that the email issue was drowning out nearly everything else that Mrs. Clinton was hoping to communicate to voters — something Mrs. Clinton and her husband have complained about to friends,” the article states.
“Are we on?”
“Yes we are, Madam Secretary.”
“Everyone, thank you for participating in my focus group. We’ve had the audio/visual squad roll out the VCR and the television on one of those carts so that you can see this pre-recorded message that one of my aides took with a VHS camcorder. Please forgive the bad tracking.
“I’m trying to figure out if I should apologize unreservedly, apologize only for the confusion on the part of stupid people, or not apologize at all. My staff by now have attached electrodes to your face to detect your reaction in your prefrontal cortex as I smile or wave my retard wave or talk about touching stories. The results will be fed into a supercomputer to determine precisely what message elicits the least retroperistaltic reaction in the voting public when they accidentally look at me.
“Thank you for participating and remember that I’m your advocate just like it says on the yard sign. I’m fighting for everyday Americans and their low prices. Thanks again. Bye!
“Fuckin’ trash! Why did Huma insist that I deign to address these troglodytes?! They probably play with their toes in whatever hovels they come from! Just you wait until the demons writhing in my soul finally get ahold of those levers of–“
“–You’re still on, Madam Secretary.”
I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.