BREAKING — ISIS Calls On Muslims In America To Go To Homes Of U.S. Soldiers and “Slaughter Them”… Please Send This to Every Military Personnel You Know! | RedFlag News

A law enforcement bulletin obtained by warned that Islamic State fighters have increased calls for “lone wolves” to attack U.S. soldiers in America in recent months, citing one tweet that called for jihadists to find service members’ addresses online and then “show up and slaughter them.”

There will be “a continued call – by Western fighters in Syria and terrorist organizations – for lone offender attacks against U.S. military facilities and personnel,” warned a July law enforcement intelligence bulletin from the Central Florida Intelligence Exchange, a state-run agency that gathers, assesses and shares threat information and works with the Department of Homeland Security. “These threats will most likely increase should the U.S. or its allies attack the Islamic State of Iraq and Sham (ISIS) in Syria or Iraq.”

For any who do not know, I was professionally trained in the moral and technical use of firearms when I was in the Navy, most especially during my collateral duty as a member of the Yokosuka Naval Base Auxiliary Defense Force (or whatever its proper name was; it’s only been twenty-five years.) I’ve owned firearms my entire life. I was on the rifle team in high school. I carried my rifle onto the school bus in the morning. I had a concealed weapons permit when I lived in Florida. I’ve somehow managed to handle weapons for thirty-five years without incident.

And despite my detractors’ claims to the contrary, I do not have a “history of mental problems,” I do not have “non-bizarre delusions” or “delusions of grandeur,” I do not “perseverate,” I am not paranoid schizophrenic, and I do not “need to take advantage of all available mental health services.” I have been poked and prodded by no fewer than a dozen mental health experts over the past five years who can’t find anything wrong with me. They have, however, confirmed that I am a clinically certified genius with an IQ of 140, give or take. Again, I would normally find it in poor taste to disclose that except when invited to do so as a means of setting the record straight.

I have no criminal record whatsoever, unless you choose to regard as legitimate my conviction five years ago of threatening to kill the President, which I do not. That’s what happens when you don’t buy your ticket. Any competent lawyer would find it highly implausible that one Secret Service protectee might perceive a threat in the middle of the stand-up comedy show staged by a fellow Secret Service protectee, especially when the latter is speaking to his law enforcement audience with his feet up on the desk in his living room while eating pistachio nuts, a privilege reserved nearly exclusively to military intelligence veterans who were professionally trained in surveillance countermeasures.

My attorney actively denied me the opportunity to participate in my own defense by proclaiming to my face that I was paranoid schizophrenic upon my attempting to give him information which was germane to my defense. I’m guessing he is no longer a criminal defense attorney. Nice guy with a heart of gold, and I think he’d make an excellent probate attorney or something, but he is in no way equipped to do criminal defense. He was a goof. He couldn’t calculate a sentencing guideline. He didn’t even know when to stand or sit.

I in no way even recognize United States law. Only jurisdictions have laws. Consequently, I do not recognize the Gun Control Act of 1968 which would purport to deny a felon the natural right to bear arms. I have a natural right to defend myself, the non-thoughts of that nondiction notwithstanding.

If that idiot jurisdiction should ever take issue with my possession of firearms for my own personal defense, we will have three conversations in court:

1. That conviction is null and void for the aforementioned reasons.

2. “Well where’s my Secret Service staff? I’m sooo scared for my safety.”

3. “I’d like to challenge jurisdiction, Your Honor.” And then Madam Prosecutor’s mind will implode as I expose the idiot organization’s non-bizarre delusions of jurisdiction. And that will be that.

So whereas I’m guessing the jurisdiction finds that stain on their record to be just so embarrassing, that idiot conviction has probably just magically and quietly gone bye bye. I will not directly inquire because I decline to dirty myself by interacting with the entity’s “legal system.” As we know, all legal proceedings take place here in my theater. Madam Prosecutor, by her fabrication of evidence in excising joining clauses of my speech which provided exculpatory context, played an instrumental role in converting that court into a McDonald Playplace. My attorney, with his odd blend of narcolepsy and Tourettes Syndrome –the afflicted’s cries of “Whore! Fucker!” replaced with “Ignore him, everyone! He just needs meds! [snore]– played his supporting role in the defilement of that court. We’ve changed venues because history requires a higher standard, that’s all.

So if Leahy is bright, he can do one of two things. He can instruct the Secret Service to detail for me precisely which protective services I may expect, or he may wave his magic wand to make Idiotdiction USA recognize that I’m “another one for the history books” in that I’m the only convicted felon who gets to walk down the street with a gun in his pants while everyone just sits quietly and looks at their shoes and fiddles with their ties.

See how easy it is?

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.