Madam Prosecutor?

Why did you choose law as a profession? Did it seem a noble pursuit? You now understand that law is the single most disgusting profession that one could even draw up on paper. If I were to counsel a young person who was contemplating a career in law, I would say, “Go into law only if you want people to automatically vomit when they accidentally look at you. Go into computer programming instead. You’ll use precisely the same logic and argument-formulation skills as a lawyer, but you won’t be nearly as disgusting. You won’t pollute human society with your mere existence.”

Isn’t it laughable that your trash profession wants me to pay $315 to some scam outfit to certify my upstanding moral character before I am even permitted to take that eye-rollingly easy Bar Exam? It’s like the town whorehouse wanting to certify the character of new hires. Your guild think pretty highly of yourselves, don’t you?

How does your trash profession get off demanding that new hires prove their moral rectitude? That’s a laugh. You people stink of ass.

Say, now that you are aware that nonresident aliens, aka non-District of Columbia citizens, are in no way even theoretically liable for the federal income tax, is that considered exculpatory evidence that you are obligated to share with defense counsel? “Hi. Madam Prosecutor here. I am professionally obligated to share with you the exculpatory evidence I’ve discovered, which is that your client could not have even theoretically committed the crime in question. Have a nice day. I’ll put together a plea deal.”

Is your trash profession planning on sharing that exculpatory evidence with defense counsel from now on? Of course not. Lawyers have no honor whatsoever and only a person of low character would join their ranks. A lawyer will always, always, always glance left and right to see if anyone has noticed his con. Lawyers are in no way guided by some internal moral code. Their only moral consideration is what they think they can get away with.

The broader public are not yet aware of the legal truths discovered here in my court. Your whorish profession will therefore continue glancing left and right.

Three hundred and fifteen dollars and zero cents. The trash profession actually wants me to pay three hundred and fifteen dollars and zero cents to certify my character.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.