Prison » Proof please? CNN claims Russian missiles crashed in Iran, Moscow refutes, US can’t confirm

A CNN report, claiming that several Russian cruise missiles targeting Islamic State (IS, formerly ISIS/ISIL) positions in Syria actually landed in Iran, has been refuted by the Russian Defense Ministry, while the US State Department say they can’t confirm.

The American broadcaster cited two unnamed US officials, who said that four Russian missiles had crashed somewhere in Iran after being launched from vessels in the Caspian Sea. The report suggested that “some buildings were damaged and civilians may have been hurt.”

This triggered a quick reaction from the Russian Defense Ministry, with spokesman Igor Konashenkov saying that all the missiles had hit their targets on Wednesday. “Unlike CNN, we don’t distribute information citing anonymous sources, but show the very missile launches and the way they hit their targets almost in real time,” Konashenkov said. The spokesman pointed out that the strike targets are being photographed before and after being hit, while Russian drones are monitoring the situation from Syrian skies 24/7.

You gotta love those mythical “unnamed US officials.” They’re like unicorns or woodland elves and faeries.

What’s happening here is that the Pentagon is mad that they got punked. “Spoofing” is the process by which bogus signals are introduced into an adversary’s communications or intelligence systems to cause that adversary’s assets to be misapplied. It’s essentially a force-multiplication exercise, like if you were to sneakily plug a cable into Robocop Mark V and get him to shoot up the place.

“America! America, strong like bull! Come in, please. Over.”

“This is America. State your military need.”

“My name is Colonel Akbar! And I know that you know I’m legit because I’ve been eavesdropping on your military conversations and that’s how I picked my name. I need air support.”

“Authenticate. Who won the ’52 world series?”

“Joe Dimaggio or whoever.”

“Close enough. Where would you like us to apply our awesome military strength while simultaneously not remotely catching the terriss who placed incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street?”

“Sector Twelve, Grid Five! Hurry! Bat Man and Superman are under attack! The rebels are eating babies! Please help us!”

“Say no more. If it’s Bat Man and Superman, well, how could this genius nation of pure benevolence decline a request from our very own Colonel Akbar? Consider it done.”

And the completely outclassed United States military will dutifully commit a war crime by leveling a hospital. That’s how spoofing is done. And the United States military fell for it. Spoofing is only the most basic thing. Getting spoofed is pretty embarrassing. It’s like having a high school grad with a library card publicly demonstrate that the Justice Department have zero knowledge of law, and that’s why certain unmentionable someones get to laugh and laugh and laugh about how he hasn’t paid federal income tax in 20 years and why a United States law is good for wiping shit from your asshole, because we’re all busy people and we just don’t have time to find the color-of-law fraud in every little thing that may come down the pike.

This country is a sad joke.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.