Monthly Archives: March 2016

An official legal communique sent to United States.

My Good Senator Leahy,

To no avail have I contacted the various crimes agencies regarding a full confession of my crimes. Try as I may, I can gain no purchase in shaming, cajoling, demanding, sulking, or otherwise causing the Justice Department to indict me for what they publicly represent to be an indictable offense; viz., (whatever that means,) my SPECTACULAR, CROWD-PLEASING FEAT OF SCREWING THE IRS OUT OF TONS OF MONEY OVER THE PAST TWENTY YEARS AS I JUST LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND OTHERWISE “BRAG ON MY BLOG” ABOUT HOW I HAVEN’T PAID A SINGLE NICKEL IN FEDERAL INCOME TAX IN TWENTY YEARS OR FILED A TAX RETURN DURING THAT TIME.

(It appears that there was a little oversight in your genius jurisdiction’s tax code such that, by design, it constitutes United States municipal law, applicable only within the territorial jurisdiction of the federal jurisdiction, as well as to federal United States citizens wherever they may reside, including within the federal legal constructs of state districts.)

Law is fun, isn’t it? There is so very much room for mischief. Do you still have the moral rectitude test over there?

I’ve had to put my potentially lucrative comedy career on hold as I’ve been too busy pulling your genius jurisdiction’s pants down right here in front of everyone and administering well-deserved after well-deserved beating right in the middle of this store.

My suspicion is that your esteemed jurisdiction (its well-appointed Article IV courts unable to demonstrate jurisdiction over a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty,) elected instead to get into a snit and make me a terrorist. Professional distinction though it may be, it complicates my career trajectory.

I’ve noticed with some dismay that you are no longer Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, for reasons I hesitate to endeavor to ascertain. Perhaps it was your barely concealed drinking problem.

But be that as it may, might I prevail upon you to apply your still-considerable pull over there to light a fire under the Justice Department? I’m getting bored. Would you instruct them to indict me for tax evasion? Or at least the consolation prize of Willful Failure to File? I would very much like to receive either an indictment or a piece of paper confirming that I, as a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty, am not liable for the tax in question. I don’t want my esteemed colleagues in the Justice Department coming ’round ten years from now and springing an indictment on me once the stage lights are off and the audience has gone home.

I would prefer the indictment. I’m bored and I would like to walk into court and pull your idiot jurisdiction’s head off and pound it on the defense desk.

Thanks for the solid.

Christopher King

P.S. I’m still waiting for my three hundred million dollars in damages.

P.P.S. I’m researching how to file a civil suit which seeks damages for your jurisdiction’s knowingly unlawful assertion of non-existent jurisdiction which resulted in sexual assault while in jail. The lawsuit is designed to call into being a sequence of legal events which terminates your jurisdiction entirely. I suggest that your genius jurisdiction just send me a check for three hundred million dollars. We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. Pick one.


I would like to call your attention to the most idiotic ad campaign in the universe.

Despite the title of the video, it is in no way funny.

If I were a marketing professional (which I may one day become, as I have exhausted the opportunities available to me in the fields of comedy and politics,) I would offer some suggestions for a proper ad campaign:

1. Lose the idiots doing stupid stuff like talking to cows.
2. Lose the twelve-year-old girl voiceover.
3. Pretty much lose everything related to that failed campaign that actually turns me off the product.

Takeaway: Do not depict losers in your commercial. No prospective consumer wants to be associated with losers.

It’s almost like the ad company wanted to communicate to customers “Please don’t buy this product.”

New campaign slogan:

Yoplait is for winners. ONLY.

The campaign is going to be a self-aware, over-the-top deployment of every marketing principle in the textbook: winners doing great things and getting the girl and starships shooting lasers and winning great space battles and race car drivers with their whining engines about to blow the fuck apart in pursuit of the ribbon.

And the commercial concludes with an authoritative male voice: “Yoplait is for winners. Only.”

There are many potential avenues for future spots. You could have an office where some video game dork reaches into the refrigerator in the break room and reaches for a Yoplait, to be stopped short by a hand clamping down on his wrist. The self-evident winner in question? Some cool guy who says, “No way, bro. Yoplait is for winners. Only.” And the winner guides the loser’s hand to a competing brand of yogurt on the next shelf down. The name emblazoned on that consolation prize? “Loser Yogurt.”

See? The audience gets to be in on the joke, that the campaign is a self-aware sendup of marketing principles.

It’s gold, trust me.

HEALTH FREEDOM ALERT: The FDA just outlawed CBDs and hemp oil extracts by claiming all plant molecules now belong exclusively to Big Pharma –

HEALTH FREEDOM ALERT: The FDA just outlawed CBDs and hemp oil extracts by claiming all plant molecules now belong exclusively to Big Pharma – –

Yet another reason why that idiot jurisdiction needs to go bye bye.

In short, whereas many people find non-psychoactive CBD’s of hemp oil extract to be better than pharmaceuticals, the pharmaceutical companies are now investigating the use of CBD’s in pharmaceuticals. So whereas CBD’s are now the subject of pharmaceutical investigation, the FDA has ruled that CBD’s are now a drug that can be regulated and, thus, now banned for sale (presumably so that these pharmaceutical companies may avail themselves of a profit by incorporating CBD’s into their products now that natural hemp oils are banned.) See how the idiot jurisdiction operates at the behest of moneyed interests?

By that logic, if a pharmaceutical company were to officially research the medical value of Vitamin C in lemons (a quite necessary nutrient, without which you will get scurvy,) the FDA would have the power to ban the sale of lemons.

It’s an idiot jurisdiction, the reductio ad absurdum of which is demonstrable in eight microseconds. It’s an idiot jurisdiction that needs an immediate seventy-five percent reduction in budget.

@TheJusticeDept Hi.

It has been my personal experience that a joke has a shelf life of three tellings. The first time I deliver a new joke, it’s completely organic and off the cuff. Thereafter it becomes rote and I just can’t bear telling it again, even to a fresh audience. I would never be able to do a canned show, at Las Vegas, say, because I get bored of my own material.

I will lay off you soon because it’s just getting boring to me that you can’t pound your limp little dicks enough to get a hard-on and indict me for not having paid a single nickel in federal income tax over the past twenty years. I have a beautiful work of art of a penis. It’s big and stiff. My index finger is pronouncedly shorter than my ring finger, indicating an in-utero exposure to a surfeit of testosterone, resulting in a square jaw, a deep voice, and a big, fat cock. I was verily born into this world to dominate.

Say, are you still indicting (other, less informed) people for the “crime” of tax evasion? I bet you are. You know that’s a felony, right? If I were governor, I would immediately arrest you.

Isn’t it kind of sad that a stand-up comedian had to explain your own laws to you?

Your profession is a sad joke, one that is now boring. Ridiculing your weakness is now boring to me. I guess you won; you outlasted me. I’m totally spent. I’m exhausted. You’re exhausting. You are the victors. I guess that’s my Achilles Heel: just bore me to death and you win.

Prison » Top Black Lives Matter Activist: ‘We Will Incite Riots Everywhere if Trump Wins’


Some guy who calls himself a nigga threatens violence and says that “this ain’t your grandparent’s civil rights movement” and he gets all kinds of attention.

I, on the other hand, have reclaimed my natural right to travel (I have no drivers license, no registration, no inspection sticker, and no insurance, and I throw tickets away,) a now-respected right to travel made safe for future generations, and I escorted everyone’s favorite idiot jurisdiction back to its jurisdictional hellhole. But there is a one hundred percent, total blackout on my existence.

Can you guess whose civil rights movement is financed by bankers?

@TheJusticeDept Come here, whores.

Hi. You’ve turned my show into a real stemwinder, you know. Things move at a glacial pace in my show business career. I should be old and ugly by the time it’s finally legal for prospective show business partners to speak to me.

Isn’t it sad? I mean, some guy just publicly confessing his crimes to you, begging you to indict him for tax evasion or even willful failure to file, and you just sit there, looking at your shoes and checking Facebook?

So since you idiots are scared that people will find out that you’re a bunch of frauds, and therefore did you actively scare off any prospective show business partners, are you idiots planning on buying your tickets at some point? ‘Cause you know that if I can’t get hired, my fallback is to sell tickets and put on my own show.

So are you losers going to buy your tickets now that you’ve ruined my comedy career? Not everyone gets to be a completely useless government employee, you know. Not everyone gets to collect a welfare check every two weeks. Some of us have to work for a living and otherwise avoid polluting this beautiful world with our mere existence.

Come on, trash. If you can’t indict me for tax evasion, then shut your sucks about the terror and get the fuck out of my professional way so that I can earn a living. Or at least buy your tickets.


Get ready, Donald Trump. You’re about to run into a buzz saw. – The Washington Post

This person has no idea what he’s talking about.

Hillary will be supremely easy to defeat, and Trump doesn’t even have to dirty himself by going after her. The proper strategy is not to ridicule her, but to ridicule Democrats in general. I would run comedic ads showing college kids crying about safe spaces, and officious nobodies saying “do this, don’t do that; say this, don’t say that,” and in general just depict Democratis Americanus as a species of babies and control freaks and bean counters who have ground this country to a complete halt economically, intellectually, and culturally.

Trump has got eight months to completely ridicule into total oblivion the very concept of the modern Democrat. And since no one wishes to be ridiculed or to associate with those being ridiculed, Trump will have massive, massive crossover to the Republican Party.

Depict the Republican Party as cool people having cookouts and roofing roofs and welding things with sparks flying and generally living life to the fullest. And accurately depict Democrats as diaper babies and welfare recipients and egghead college grads bitching about their college loans and demanding that people stop speaking.

All he has to do is accurately depict Democrats as the control-freak, over-degreed, pansy-ass little whiners and pussies that they are.

The Democratic Party is ripe for total comedic annihilation. In a state of nature, Democrats would be the first to be killed or eaten.

Prison » FBI Instructs High Schools to Inform On “Anti-government” Students

Here’s the FBI prattling on about sovereign citizens again. It’s their favorite bugaboo. It is the hobgoblin of little minds.

To recap, “sovereign citizen” is a colloquial term for a state United States citizen, most properly known as a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty. The legal characters of the state United States citizen and the federal United States citizen are quite distinct. As proof of that, I, as a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty, can’t seem to get the Justice Department to indict me for my failure to pay a single nickel in income tax over the past twenty years and for not having filed a tax return during that time, both of which the Justice Department publicly represents to be indictable offenses.

Something here doesn’t add up. Either I’m too drop-dead gorgeous to indict (too beautiful to jail, that is,) or they know they’ll lose. And considering how eager they are (don’t forget that they wanted to re-indict me all over again, for a second instance of the same crime, for quoting myself,) why won’t they leap at the chance to send me down the river for decades?

The idiot jurisdiction is big on buzzwords like “tax protester,” “anti-government,” “domestic extremist,” “sovereign citizen,” and the like. But when pressed on the matter, they cannot demonstrate territorial or personal jurisdiction over a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty who resides outside the territorial jurisdiction of the federal jurisdiction –unless, of course, the defendant concedes jurisdiction by unwisely entering a plea in District Court, which court is an Article IV court empowered to hear matters related to United States municipal law, law which applies only within the territorial jurisdiction of the federal jurisdiction, including within the federal legal constructs of state districts. But I walk upon the soil of the several states, not upon the ether of legal constructs.

There is only one proper response upon being hauled into court: “I like your Article IV court. Is this real mahogany? Anyhow, please demonstrate jurisdiction over a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty.”

That’s a pretty considered and sober legal strategy. The Justice Department’s approach, however, goes something like this:

“Chris King is a bad man and a peepee head. He is a Ding Dong Man. He eats babies and is a litterbug.”

It’s an idiot jurisdiction that doesn’t know its own laws or even the limits of its own jurisdiction.

I follow the laws that we have, not the laws that the Justice Department would prefer that we have. And since I know their laws better than they do, they’ll get in an aggrieved, government employee snit and wheel around in their office chairs and type my name into the terror computer. Don’t forget: If I am permitted to get away with following the law, and if people find out about that, then it’s only a matter of time until the idiot jurisdiction can’t pay its bills and has to furlough scads of these idiot employees who serve no useful function. In law enforcement terms, they are in “self-preservation mode.” They’ll say anything to keep the paychecks coming, including patently ridiculous things like how I’m a terrorist or a Ding Dong Man.

You know the Justice Department is completely useless, right?

How are they losing to this guy? – POLITICO

I fully expect the collapsing establishment to roll out ads about how he neglectfully failed to separate his recyclables.

If these retreads had anything on the guy, they would have deployed it by now.

People aren’t stupid. They hate the rigged system, and it only pisses them off more when that hated system carps about Trump’s recyclables or how he didn’t shine his shoes that day.

Everyone hates the corrupt system. So when people see the system making a ruckus, those people will naturally identify with the target of that ruckus. That is why Trump draws disaffected voters from all corners. That is why Trump wins, and why that delusional little witch, Hillary Clinton, has zero point zero chance of becoming president.

Do the “political pros” get it now?

Bill Clinton neglect left NSA ‘brain dead’ as al Qaeda plotted 9/11, Michael Hayden says – Washington Times

Uh huh. Cranior explains how 9-11 happened on his watch only because their clunky, fuddy duddy ol’ computer systems were on the fritz during al Qaeda’s “final planning stages” of 9-11.

Of course, none of that could even theoretically be true as Osama bin Laden and his Merry Band of Malcontents could not have even theoretically installed incompatible engine hardware on Flight 175 without the pilot noticing.

That compressor is pure gold.