I would like to call your attention to the most idiotic ad campaign in the universe.

Despite the title of the video, it is in no way funny.

If I were a marketing professional (which I may one day become, as I have exhausted the opportunities available to me in the fields of comedy and politics,) I would offer some suggestions for a proper ad campaign:

1. Lose the idiots doing stupid stuff like talking to cows.
2. Lose the twelve-year-old girl voiceover.
3. Pretty much lose everything related to that failed campaign that actually turns me off the product.

Takeaway: Do not depict losers in your commercial. No prospective consumer wants to be associated with losers.

It’s almost like the ad company wanted to communicate to customers “Please don’t buy this product.”

New campaign slogan:

Yoplait is for winners. ONLY.

The campaign is going to be a self-aware, over-the-top deployment of every marketing principle in the textbook: winners doing great things and getting the girl and starships shooting lasers and winning great space battles and race car drivers with their whining engines about to blow the fuck apart in pursuit of the ribbon.

And the commercial concludes with an authoritative male voice: “Yoplait is for winners. Only.”

There are many potential avenues for future spots. You could have an office where some video game dork reaches into the refrigerator in the break room and reaches for a Yoplait, to be stopped short by a hand clamping down on his wrist. The self-evident winner in question? Some cool guy who says, “No way, bro. Yoplait is for winners. Only.” And the winner guides the loser’s hand to a competing brand of yogurt on the next shelf down. The name emblazoned on that consolation prize? “Loser Yogurt.”

See? The audience gets to be in on the joke, that the campaign is a self-aware sendup of marketing principles.

It’s gold, trust me.

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