My Good Senator Leahy,
To no avail have I contacted the various crimes agencies regarding a full confession of my crimes. Try as I may, I can gain no purchase in shaming, cajoling, demanding, sulking, or otherwise causing the Justice Department to indict me for what they publicly represent to be an indictable offense; viz., (whatever that means,) my SPECTACULAR, CROWD-PLEASING FEAT OF SCREWING THE IRS OUT OF TONS OF MONEY OVER THE PAST TWENTY YEARS AS I JUST LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND OTHERWISE “BRAG ON MY BLOG” ABOUT HOW I HAVEN’T PAID A SINGLE NICKEL IN FEDERAL INCOME TAX IN TWENTY YEARS OR FILED A TAX RETURN DURING THAT TIME.
(It appears that there was a little oversight in your genius jurisdiction’s tax code such that, by design, it constitutes United States municipal law, applicable only within the territorial jurisdiction of the federal jurisdiction, as well as to federal United States citizens wherever they may reside, including within the federal legal constructs of state districts.)
Law is fun, isn’t it? There is so very much room for mischief. Do you still have the moral rectitude test over there?
I’ve had to put my potentially lucrative comedy career on hold as I’ve been too busy pulling your genius jurisdiction’s pants down right here in front of everyone and administering well-deserved after well-deserved beating right in the middle of this store.
My suspicion is that your esteemed jurisdiction (its well-appointed Article IV courts unable to demonstrate jurisdiction over a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty,) elected instead to get into a snit and make me a terrorist. Professional distinction though it may be, it complicates my career trajectory.
I’ve noticed with some dismay that you are no longer Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, for reasons I hesitate to endeavor to ascertain. Perhaps it was your barely concealed drinking problem.
But be that as it may, might I prevail upon you to apply your still-considerable pull over there to light a fire under the Justice Department? I’m getting bored. Would you instruct them to indict me for tax evasion? Or at least the consolation prize of Willful Failure to File? I would very much like to receive either an indictment or a piece of paper confirming that I, as a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty, am not liable for the tax in question. I don’t want my esteemed colleagues in the Justice Department coming ’round ten years from now and springing an indictment on me once the stage lights are off and the audience has gone home.
I would prefer the indictment. I’m bored and I would like to walk into court and pull your idiot jurisdiction’s head off and pound it on the defense desk.
Thanks for the solid.
P.S. I’m still waiting for my three hundred million dollars in damages.
P.P.S. I’m researching how to file a civil suit which seeks damages for your jurisdiction’s knowingly unlawful assertion of non-existent jurisdiction which resulted in sexual assault while in jail. The lawsuit is designed to call into being a sequence of legal events which terminates your jurisdiction entirely. I suggest that your genius jurisdiction just send me a check for three hundred million dollars. We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. Pick one.