Category Archives: Uncategorized

Utterance No. 539

By the way, sometimes Tweetcaster does not post multi-part tweets for whatever reason. I’ll give it a couple of tries and then give up. My target audience gets them anyway by other channels.

I figure that no one’s buying their tickets anyway, so I’ll let my audience scrounge for my material.

It’s another one for the history books, my surveillance-based show that I’ve been putting on since late 2004. My audience is far larger than my twelve Twitter followers, most of whom are probably bot fronts for various law enforcement and intelligence organizations.

By the way, how’s my old friend from Harlem, the dude who magically wanted to be my friend and wanted me to transport a backpack full of cocaine across town? It’s kind of sad that my already few social prospects are further limited by my having to wonder, “Where’s the setup here” when someone speaks to me or wants to be my friend. And people call me weird or schizoid because I talk to no one and have no friends and go nowhere and do nothing. “Do you have friends, Chris?” “No. I hav–” “–Alrighty, then; you’re schizoid.” I took up stand-up so that I might have fun and meet people and collaborate with fellow comedians. Nope. I’m now more isolated than when I started. So much for doing quality work. I’ll just half-ass it next time. Dick jokes 24-7. A star is born.

I am not in your investigation. You are in my show. It has always been that way.

And if my delightful audience of shoplifters want to buy their tickets at some point like you’re supposed to, that’d be great. I’d be able to hire a crew and put on a proper show. Send a hundred bucks to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146. Then tweet at me to check my mail, because otherwise I do not even open my mailbox. There’s never anything but overdue bills in it.

You know that my future audience members are going to hold you losers in total contempt, right? They are going to blame you for your theft of services which denied that future audience an enjoyment of a larger body of work of mine. They’ll say, “Wait a minute. Chris only did a handful of videos and all we have is this written shit? Wow, his audience must have been a bunch of fuckin’ trash.”

They were. Buy your tickets, trash.



You’re my go-to guy for legal matters.

Here is the definition of assigned risk, as told by Wikipedia:

“High risk drivers are often undesirable to insurance companies, and may not be able to purchase insurance through conventional means. They are considered high-risk because of numerous speeding or other traffic tickets, or a recent history of motor vehicle accidents, or in states that have a point system, accumulation of so many points. The state DMV point system may be different from the insurance companies’ point system.”

I am about the safest “driver” you would ever encounter. I drive like an old woman. I’ve never had an accident. I’ve never filed an insurance claim. My last speeding ticket was probably twenty years ago. I am in no way “high risk.”

A perfunctory two-sentence response to my considered inquiry to the Vermont Insurance Commissioner that I contact the assigned risk insurance people is not remotely what I’m looking for. What I’m looking for is for the State of Vermont to stop polluting the insurance companies with falsehoods about how there is no such thing as a traveler and how I require a driver’s license.

You might want to put a bug in the governor’s ear that he might want to oversee the Insurance Commissioner’s handing of my inquiry because what I’m doing is I’m putting together a legal case against the State of Vermont.

I have zero interest in purchasing expensive insurance through the high risk pool of drunk drivers and ax murderers. (And if I were to investigate the matter, the insurance companies participating in this assigned risk pool probably still require a driver’s license.)

Have the Insurance Commissioner contact me by email with news that all insurance companies authorized to operate in Vermont now recognize that licenses are required only of drivers. Until such time, I will remain uninsured and I will refer any bodily injury claims to the Insurance Commissioner.

Not a single lawyer in my audience any longer maintains that I require a license to exercise my natural right to travel by modern conveyances of the day, including by automobile, upon the public thoroughfares in my pursuit of my private business.

I cannot buy insurance without a driver’s license. And I am under no obligation whatsoever to purchase insurance at any price premium whatsoever from some assigned risk program, if such program sells insurance to unlicensed drivers at all. I am not a driver, licensed or otherwise. I am a traveler. They are two completely different things, and I need the various legal systems in this genius nation to familiarize themselves with the law for once. It works better that way.

Without valid insurance, I cannot secure an inspection sticker for my car. Every time I get pulled over these days, the guy says “I pulled you over because you don’t have an inspection sticker.” I feel like saying “What the fuck do you expect me to do? I can’t get a sticker without showing proof of insurance, which I can’t buy because the State has got the insurance companies bamboozled into thinking that there is no such thing as a traveler.” I want to say to the guy “Do you expect me to shit out an inspection sticker?” I’m about ready to stick a fuckin’ Post It Note on the windshield just so that I don’t get pulled over all the time. Is that what everyone wants me to do? You want me to play this silly game? You want me to slap a fuckin’ Post It Note on the windshield so that everyone has plausible deniability in this idiotic touch pee pee game of ours?

Does it take a fucking lawsuit to get the State to follow the fuckin’ law around here? This is shaping up to be Lawless Nation USA.

If the Insurance Commissioner is unwilling to pave the way for me to purchase insurance like normal people do everywhere every day, I don’t want any tears about how I don’t have an inspection sticker.

I don’t want that car pulled over ever again just because I don’t have an inspection sticker that I would be happy to get if only I could buy insurance, without which it is a legal impossibility for me to secure an inspection sticker.

I follow the laws that we have, not the laws that some would prefer that we have.

If the Insurance Commissioner or his designate is unwilling to contact me by email and explain that it is now possible for me to buy insurance at no price premium like normal people do every day, I don’t want to hear another fucking word about how I don’t have a motherfucking inspection sticker (which only pants-wetter states like Vermont require anyway.)

Getting pulled over is time consuming and embarrassing and it complicates my ability to find work because the townspeople think that I am a criminal. I CANNOT EVEN THEORETICALLY GET AN INSPECTION STICKER WITHOUT INSURANCE BECAUSE THE STATE HAS POLLUTED THE INSURANCE COMPANIES’ UNDERSTANDING OF THE LAW. THAT IS NOT MY FAULT.


It’s a new day in Genius Nation USA. We’re all going to follow the law from now on.

An official legal communique sent to the Vermont Insurance Commission.

Thank you for taking my inquiry.

I do not have a driver’s license. I never possessed a valid driver’s license owing to the fraudulent representation of its being necessary, not to mention that sixteen-year-olds cannot engage in contracts. I am now forty-eight years old.

The State of Vermont maintains that I am a driver in possession of a civilly suspended license. But that’s not really something that you need to trouble yourself with. I tell you this information so that you can understand my situation.

I exercise my natural right to travel upon the public thoroughfares in pursuit of my private business by modern conveyances of the day, including by automobile. My car is unregistered, uninspected, and uninsured. I do not legally require a driver’s license. The State of Vermont now apparently concedes that, as I have been standing on my right to travel since 2007, routinely throwing tickets away, and I’m still walkin’ the streets (or motoring, as it were.)

The problem here is that I regard it as unwise not to have insurance in case I damage someone else’s car or, heaven forbid, cause an injury. But I have searched high and low for an insurance company that will insure what they term an “unlicensed driver” or one in possession of a “suspended license.” The insurance companies are unaware that there is such a thing as a natural right to travel. They refuse to insure me. They think I’m being evasive, or they think I must have lost a driver’s license for unsafe driving, or they think I’m a criminal. I’ve never been in trouble with the law a day in my life.

Would your office please help me in securing the auto insurance that I need to travel responsibly? Would you please inform all auto insurance carriers authorized to sell insurance in Vermont that there is an entire class of human called the “traveler”? I am not a driver, licensed or otherwise; I am a traveler. The legal distinction is important. There is nothing whatsoever illegal about conducting an automobile along the public thoroughfares in pursuit of one’s private business and as an exercising of one’s natural right to travel. You may check with your legal staff to confirm this. And the Governor’s Office is well aware of me. They can confirm this.

So in short, I ask for your office’s assistance in finding an insurance carrier that will cover me as I exercise my natural right to travel, at no price premium above what they cover a licensed driver. For example, my recent inquiry to Progressive yielded a quote of $256 for top-of-the-line, gold-plated liability coverage for six months. I would expect the same as the traveler that I am. I will tolerate no price premium just because the exercising of one’s natural right to travel “sounds kooky.”

And please instruct the insurance companies that I would be under no legal obligation to provide the number of the driver’s license that I once possessed in error, before it came to my attention that it was invalid due to its fraudulent representation as being necessary. I do not wish to engage in fraud, so it’s actually illegal for me to seek to derive benefit by furnishing the number of a license I now know was invalid.

I thank you in advance for your assistance. I should like to be insured within the month.

Please reply only by email.

Yours in Vermont Strongness,

Christopher King,
Grafton, Vermont 05146

An official legal communique sent to United States.

My Good Senator Leahy,

To no avail have I contacted the various crimes agencies regarding a full confession of my crimes. Try as I may, I can gain no purchase in shaming, cajoling, demanding, sulking, or otherwise causing the Justice Department to indict me for what they publicly represent to be an indictable offense; viz., (whatever that means,) my SPECTACULAR, CROWD-PLEASING FEAT OF SCREWING THE IRS OUT OF TONS OF MONEY OVER THE PAST TWENTY YEARS AS I JUST LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND OTHERWISE “BRAG ON MY BLOG” ABOUT HOW I HAVEN’T PAID A SINGLE NICKEL IN FEDERAL INCOME TAX IN TWENTY YEARS OR FILED A TAX RETURN DURING THAT TIME.

(It appears that there was a little oversight in your genius jurisdiction’s tax code such that, by design, it constitutes United States municipal law, applicable only within the territorial jurisdiction of the federal jurisdiction, as well as to federal United States citizens wherever they may reside, including within the federal legal constructs of state districts.)

Law is fun, isn’t it? There is so very much room for mischief. Do you still have the moral rectitude test over there?

I’ve had to put my potentially lucrative comedy career on hold as I’ve been too busy pulling your genius jurisdiction’s pants down right here in front of everyone and administering well-deserved after well-deserved beating right in the middle of this store.

My suspicion is that your esteemed jurisdiction (its well-appointed Article IV courts unable to demonstrate jurisdiction over a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty,) elected instead to get into a snit and make me a terrorist. Professional distinction though it may be, it complicates my career trajectory.

I’ve noticed with some dismay that you are no longer Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, for reasons I hesitate to endeavor to ascertain. Perhaps it was your barely concealed drinking problem.

But be that as it may, might I prevail upon you to apply your still-considerable pull over there to light a fire under the Justice Department? I’m getting bored. Would you instruct them to indict me for tax evasion? Or at least the consolation prize of Willful Failure to File? I would very much like to receive either an indictment or a piece of paper confirming that I, as a Joint Tenant in Sovereignty, am not liable for the tax in question. I don’t want my esteemed colleagues in the Justice Department coming ’round ten years from now and springing an indictment on me once the stage lights are off and the audience has gone home.

I would prefer the indictment. I’m bored and I would like to walk into court and pull your idiot jurisdiction’s head off and pound it on the defense desk.

Thanks for the solid.

Christopher King

P.S. I’m still waiting for my three hundred million dollars in damages.

P.P.S. I’m researching how to file a civil suit which seeks damages for your jurisdiction’s knowingly unlawful assertion of non-existent jurisdiction which resulted in sexual assault while in jail. The lawsuit is designed to call into being a sequence of legal events which terminates your jurisdiction entirely. I suggest that your genius jurisdiction just send me a check for three hundred million dollars. We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. Pick one.

I would like to call your attention to the most idiotic ad campaign in the universe.

Despite the title of the video, it is in no way funny.

If I were a marketing professional (which I may one day become, as I have exhausted the opportunities available to me in the fields of comedy and politics,) I would offer some suggestions for a proper ad campaign:

1. Lose the idiots doing stupid stuff like talking to cows.
2. Lose the twelve-year-old girl voiceover.
3. Pretty much lose everything related to that failed campaign that actually turns me off the product.

Takeaway: Do not depict losers in your commercial. No prospective consumer wants to be associated with losers.

It’s almost like the ad company wanted to communicate to customers “Please don’t buy this product.”

New campaign slogan:

Yoplait is for winners. ONLY.

The campaign is going to be a self-aware, over-the-top deployment of every marketing principle in the textbook: winners doing great things and getting the girl and starships shooting lasers and winning great space battles and race car drivers with their whining engines about to blow the fuck apart in pursuit of the ribbon.

And the commercial concludes with an authoritative male voice: “Yoplait is for winners. Only.”

There are many potential avenues for future spots. You could have an office where some video game dork reaches into the refrigerator in the break room and reaches for a Yoplait, to be stopped short by a hand clamping down on his wrist. The self-evident winner in question? Some cool guy who says, “No way, bro. Yoplait is for winners. Only.” And the winner guides the loser’s hand to a competing brand of yogurt on the next shelf down. The name emblazoned on that consolation prize? “Loser Yogurt.”

See? The audience gets to be in on the joke, that the campaign is a self-aware sendup of marketing principles.

It’s gold, trust me.

HEALTH FREEDOM ALERT: The FDA just outlawed CBDs and hemp oil extracts by claiming all plant molecules now belong exclusively to Big Pharma –

HEALTH FREEDOM ALERT: The FDA just outlawed CBDs and hemp oil extracts by claiming all plant molecules now belong exclusively to Big Pharma – –

Yet another reason why that idiot jurisdiction needs to go bye bye.

In short, whereas many people find non-psychoactive CBD’s of hemp oil extract to be better than pharmaceuticals, the pharmaceutical companies are now investigating the use of CBD’s in pharmaceuticals. So whereas CBD’s are now the subject of pharmaceutical investigation, the FDA has ruled that CBD’s are now a drug that can be regulated and, thus, now banned for sale (presumably so that these pharmaceutical companies may avail themselves of a profit by incorporating CBD’s into their products now that natural hemp oils are banned.) See how the idiot jurisdiction operates at the behest of moneyed interests?

By that logic, if a pharmaceutical company were to officially research the medical value of Vitamin C in lemons (a quite necessary nutrient, without which you will get scurvy,) the FDA would have the power to ban the sale of lemons.

It’s an idiot jurisdiction, the reductio ad absurdum of which is demonstrable in eight microseconds. It’s an idiot jurisdiction that needs an immediate seventy-five percent reduction in budget.

@TheJusticeDept Hi.

It has been my personal experience that a joke has a shelf life of three tellings. The first time I deliver a new joke, it’s completely organic and off the cuff. Thereafter it becomes rote and I just can’t bear telling it again, even to a fresh audience. I would never be able to do a canned show, at Las Vegas, say, because I get bored of my own material.

I will lay off you soon because it’s just getting boring to me that you can’t pound your limp little dicks enough to get a hard-on and indict me for not having paid a single nickel in federal income tax over the past twenty years. I have a beautiful work of art of a penis. It’s big and stiff. My index finger is pronouncedly shorter than my ring finger, indicating an in-utero exposure to a surfeit of testosterone, resulting in a square jaw, a deep voice, and a big, fat cock. I was verily born into this world to dominate.

Say, are you still indicting (other, less informed) people for the “crime” of tax evasion? I bet you are. You know that’s a felony, right? If I were governor, I would immediately arrest you.

Isn’t it kind of sad that a stand-up comedian had to explain your own laws to you?

Your profession is a sad joke, one that is now boring. Ridiculing your weakness is now boring to me. I guess you won; you outlasted me. I’m totally spent. I’m exhausted. You’re exhausting. You are the victors. I guess that’s my Achilles Heel: just bore me to death and you win.

Prison » Top Black Lives Matter Activist: ‘We Will Incite Riots Everywhere if Trump Wins’


Some guy who calls himself a nigga threatens violence and says that “this ain’t your grandparent’s civil rights movement” and he gets all kinds of attention.

I, on the other hand, have reclaimed my natural right to travel (I have no drivers license, no registration, no inspection sticker, and no insurance, and I throw tickets away,) a now-respected right to travel made safe for future generations, and I escorted everyone’s favorite idiot jurisdiction back to its jurisdictional hellhole. But there is a one hundred percent, total blackout on my existence.

Can you guess whose civil rights movement is financed by bankers?

@TheJusticeDept Come here, whores.

Hi. You’ve turned my show into a real stemwinder, you know. Things move at a glacial pace in my show business career. I should be old and ugly by the time it’s finally legal for prospective show business partners to speak to me.

Isn’t it sad? I mean, some guy just publicly confessing his crimes to you, begging you to indict him for tax evasion or even willful failure to file, and you just sit there, looking at your shoes and checking Facebook?

So since you idiots are scared that people will find out that you’re a bunch of frauds, and therefore did you actively scare off any prospective show business partners, are you idiots planning on buying your tickets at some point? ‘Cause you know that if I can’t get hired, my fallback is to sell tickets and put on my own show.

So are you losers going to buy your tickets now that you’ve ruined my comedy career? Not everyone gets to be a completely useless government employee, you know. Not everyone gets to collect a welfare check every two weeks. Some of us have to work for a living and otherwise avoid polluting this beautiful world with our mere existence.

Come on, trash. If you can’t indict me for tax evasion, then shut your sucks about the terror and get the fuck out of my professional way so that I can earn a living. Or at least buy your tickets.


Get ready, Donald Trump. You’re about to run into a buzz saw. – The Washington Post

This person has no idea what he’s talking about.

Hillary will be supremely easy to defeat, and Trump doesn’t even have to dirty himself by going after her. The proper strategy is not to ridicule her, but to ridicule Democrats in general. I would run comedic ads showing college kids crying about safe spaces, and officious nobodies saying “do this, don’t do that; say this, don’t say that,” and in general just depict Democratis Americanus as a species of babies and control freaks and bean counters who have ground this country to a complete halt economically, intellectually, and culturally.

Trump has got eight months to completely ridicule into total oblivion the very concept of the modern Democrat. And since no one wishes to be ridiculed or to associate with those being ridiculed, Trump will have massive, massive crossover to the Republican Party.

Depict the Republican Party as cool people having cookouts and roofing roofs and welding things with sparks flying and generally living life to the fullest. And accurately depict Democrats as diaper babies and welfare recipients and egghead college grads bitching about their college loans and demanding that people stop speaking.

All he has to do is accurately depict Democrats as the control-freak, over-degreed, pansy-ass little whiners and pussies that they are.

The Democratic Party is ripe for total comedic annihilation. In a state of nature, Democrats would be the first to be killed or eaten.