Monthly Archives: October 2015

This show is now concluded.

Because of the mechanics of how the WordPress client interacts with Twitter, and because of the complexity of running various WordPress sites and Twitter accounts, I am suspending this comedic enterprise. I will focus my efforts on my gubernatorial campaign.

Until further notice, @USS_Armageddon will be silent.

If you wish to follow my political writings and my campaign for Vermont governor, please check in at @ChrisKing2016.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.


Freedom and Bravery platform.

What is the “Freedom and Bravery Platform”?

This country has been taken for a ride for the past fifteen years: endless wars to nowhere, torture chambers, drone strikes –and we didn’t even get the right guys. What did we get? A surveillance state that would make East Germany proud. A bankrupt public treasury. A squandered national reputation.

Think globally, act locally. So I am going to make the world a better place by starting right here at home. That is why I am running for governor of Vermont in 2016.

I call it the Freedom and Bravery platform because the slick marketers in Washington have assured me for the past fifteen years of how free and brave and strong I am, and why I should assent to every last outrage emanating from Washington. Fine, then; I’m free and I’m brave, just like the bumper stickers say. So this is what freedom looks like. Get a good look.

I propose to make Vermont a tax haven, her citizens free of the misapplied federal income tax. I have not paid federal income tax in twenty years, nor have I filed a tax return during that time, and the Justice Department decline to indict me. I cracked the Internal Revenue Code: Whereas the Sixteenth Amendment conferred no new taxing authority and placed the federal personal income tax into the class of indirect taxes to which it inherently belongs, the federal jurisdiction has no ability to apply the income tax to non-District of Columbia citizens who derive no income from within the federal territorial jurisdiction; that is, citizens of the several states who earn their living outside D.C. simply are not contemplated by the federal income tax. I must be right because, again, the Justice Department refuse to indict me for any crime. The proof is in the pudding. Hate the IRS? Then I’m your man.

As governor, I will personally escort the United States Government right back to its rightful role as junior partner in this federalist system of government of ours.

Low taxes, maximum freedom. That’s my philosophy.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

It’s official, then. I’m running for governor.

My Twitter account for my political activities is @ChrisKing2016.

I’m running on the Freedom and Bravery platform. That means that the bumper stickers have reassured me for fourteen years of my freedom, my bravery, and my strength. Fine, then; I’ll make the curtains match the carpets. This is what freedom looks like. Get a good look.

Please be advised that ‘Chris King Pop Icon’ and ‘Christopher King’ are stage names and that any utterances issued under those names are considered part of a professional undertaking as stand-up comedian and performance artist. I do not go by Christopher. I have always been known as Chris.

You can’t really take the humor out of the comedian. So like the competent professional at the office who does his job and still finds time to be a cut-up, I will probably let slip some humor during my campaign. It is what it is.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Clemson University apologizes for serving Mexican food

Clemson University issued an apology to students on Thursday after what appears to be a small group of students were offended by an annual Mexican cuisine event put on by university dining services.

Is it any wonder that your nation was so supremely easily conquered?

My answer to any complaint that may be lodged about me, the excellence of my work, or any other aspect of my existence, is simple: “Try not to cry.”

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.


For the Lufkin Court to reveal that it is using Article 4 § 3(2) of the Constitution to take jurisdiction in Tyler County, Texas, and extend its jurisdiction beyond the boundaries fixed by the Constitution for territorial courts of general jurisdiction into geographic area fixed by the Constitution exclusively for constitutional courts of special (or limited) jurisdiction, would be to confess to usurpation of exercise of jurisdiction and treason to the Constitution.

I’m no lawyer, so I can’t make heads or tails of this. I would like the finer attorneys in my audience –that is, not the ones who play Sudoku puzzles when they’re not off practicing psychiatry– to look at this.

I think we will find that the federal jurisdiction (hereinafter referred to as “the town fuckbag”) has been glancing left and right for any number of decades and moving their lawyer whore mouths and bamboozling everyone as they attempt to extend District of Columbia municipal law to the several states.

Such a realization would probably undo a good portion of that idiot jurisdiction’s idiot laws.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

WikiLeaks Releases Text of Most Controversial Chapter of Secret TPP Deal

Highly important. The TPP isn’t a “free trade agreement.” It is a legal structure that enables corporations to override state and federal law. There is nothing in this world that will get the federal government wiped faster than these Transpacific Partnership “trade agreements.” And moreover, if it’s so good, why is it all a secret?

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Prison » Proof please? CNN claims Russian missiles crashed in Iran, Moscow refutes, US can’t confirm

A CNN report, claiming that several Russian cruise missiles targeting Islamic State (IS, formerly ISIS/ISIL) positions in Syria actually landed in Iran, has been refuted by the Russian Defense Ministry, while the US State Department say they can’t confirm.

The American broadcaster cited two unnamed US officials, who said that four Russian missiles had crashed somewhere in Iran after being launched from vessels in the Caspian Sea. The report suggested that “some buildings were damaged and civilians may have been hurt.”

This triggered a quick reaction from the Russian Defense Ministry, with spokesman Igor Konashenkov saying that all the missiles had hit their targets on Wednesday. “Unlike CNN, we don’t distribute information citing anonymous sources, but show the very missile launches and the way they hit their targets almost in real time,” Konashenkov said. The spokesman pointed out that the strike targets are being photographed before and after being hit, while Russian drones are monitoring the situation from Syrian skies 24/7.

You gotta love those mythical “unnamed US officials.” They’re like unicorns or woodland elves and faeries.

What’s happening here is that the Pentagon is mad that they got punked. “Spoofing” is the process by which bogus signals are introduced into an adversary’s communications or intelligence systems to cause that adversary’s assets to be misapplied. It’s essentially a force-multiplication exercise, like if you were to sneakily plug a cable into Robocop Mark V and get him to shoot up the place.

“America! America, strong like bull! Come in, please. Over.”

“This is America. State your military need.”

“My name is Colonel Akbar! And I know that you know I’m legit because I’ve been eavesdropping on your military conversations and that’s how I picked my name. I need air support.”

“Authenticate. Who won the ’52 world series?”

“Joe Dimaggio or whoever.”

“Close enough. Where would you like us to apply our awesome military strength while simultaneously not remotely catching the terriss who placed incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street?”

“Sector Twelve, Grid Five! Hurry! Bat Man and Superman are under attack! The rebels are eating babies! Please help us!”

“Say no more. If it’s Bat Man and Superman, well, how could this genius nation of pure benevolence decline a request from our very own Colonel Akbar? Consider it done.”

And the completely outclassed United States military will dutifully commit a war crime by leveling a hospital. That’s how spoofing is done. And the United States military fell for it. Spoofing is only the most basic thing. Getting spoofed is pretty embarrassing. It’s like having a high school grad with a library card publicly demonstrate that the Justice Department have zero knowledge of law, and that’s why certain unmentionable someones get to laugh and laugh and laugh about how he hasn’t paid federal income tax in 20 years and why a United States law is good for wiping shit from your asshole, because we’re all busy people and we just don’t have time to find the color-of-law fraud in every little thing that may come down the pike.

This country is a sad joke.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Russian Offer to Share ISIL Targets With US-Led Coalition Gets No Response

Russia has proposed sharing the coordinates of possible ISIL targets with the US-led anti-ISIL coalition, but has not received a response, Colonel-General Andrei Kartapolov, head of the Main Operations Directorate of the Russian General Staff, told media at a press briefing on Wednesday.

“This means that either our partners do not have such coordinates, or that they for some reason do not want us to hit these targets. The reason for this remains unclear to us,” Kartapolov said, cited by RIA Novosti.

The Pentagon’s secret is out! When they’re not off guarding opium fields in Afghanistan, they’re bombing vacant patches of desert and calling it a strike on ISIS.

Why do you think I burned all my medals? Birds of a feather flock together.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

@TheJusticeDept You should stock up on Kleenex soon.

I need three hundred signatures in order to appear on the ballot for the gubernatorial election of November, 2016.

Over the next month or so, I’m going to travel to Brattleboro and walk up and down the street while wearing a sandwich board which reads:

My name is Chris King. I’m running for governor. Please sign my thing. I propose to upend the entire crooked system.

I won’t even need much money because the news media will regard it as their salad days, a chicken in every pot, delivering to me all the publicity I may require as I brag on my blog that United Ding Dong and I go way back and how I haven’t paid federal income tax in 20 years and how the Justice Department got themselves a few credit hours at Chris King School and graduated summa cum laude and that’s why they’re familiar with their own legal canon finally.

So I would advise that you enjoy your taxing authority while you have it, not to take it for granted, to appreciate it while you have the chance lest it fade away unnoticed like one’s youthful beauty.

I am going to crush your idiot jurisdiction’s head with my one bare hand. Get ready.

It’s the final countdown.

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.

Jelly is a Kung Fu master. That much we know.

She solves all problems with her fists. Chris can’t leave her alone for five minutes without something going awry. It’s like if you’re at the mall with your girl and you say, “Baby, I’m gonna go look at the CD players. I’ll meet you in the women’s department.” And so you come back, expecting her to be trying on shoes or whatever other harmless activity that women do there, but what’s really happened in your absence is that she’s somehow gotten in another fight and there are five people takin’ a nap in a heap on the floor. It’s like one of those snuggle parties, but not the good kind.

Jelly is lean and lithe and curvaceous with childbearing hips and large breasts that forever threaten to spill out. She is fond of form fitting leather outfits and boots.

This is her walking music:

I am America’s Senior Comedian. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.